Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Reese & Ryan

People often ask us, “Hey, fug bitches, name someone you think dresses well!” And after we try and close off the hate valves that are so often jammed open in our little tar-ugly hearts, the answer we spit out usually involves the words “Reese” and “Witherspoon.”

Alas:

She’s a very pretty girl, if pointy is your thing (personally, I add her to my list of women — Heidi Klum and Catherine Zeta-Jones among them — who should be pregnant all the time), and she is one of the few women last night who wore lipstick that wasn’t a) nude, or b) the exact color translation of the itching and burning sensations experienced by the streetwalker who last wore that shade.

However, I really, really don’t care for the dress. It looks worse than homemade, like a cheap old-school slip she tried to convert into a wearable garment. Whatever that swatch of silver material is, it certainly shouldn’t be hitting her mid-breast, and the sequins she bought at Michael’s — and let little Ava sew onto her dress as practice for the Girl Scouts of America merit badges she will inevitably win in a few years — were a horrific idea.

As for the accessory on her arm, it needs to stop veering between “pretentious, sneering, miserable asshat” and “hyperactive wife-pawing ‘family man’.” Perhaps a shower would be a nice place to try and start his stabilization.