Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Ciara

Of course, technically speaking, those MIGHT be trousers. They’re just made of the sacred battle-curtains from the Planet Yurg, from which Ciara has been dispatched to explain that if we don’t cede to her people all our natural resources — oil, water, Jon Hamm — then they will attack all our major cities with glue guns and BeDazzlers. I look forward to the movie James Cameron will make about that siege, in which he will brag about casting Will Smith to play a CGI version of every single character regardless of gender, figure out a way to shoot it in 4-D, and then announce it will only be released on Betamax.

Ciara went with an equally perplexing ensemble the prior night:

Meet the offspring of a sheep and a FedEx driver who moonlights on the pole.