AMA Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

“Hola, world! Mira, we must talk. The rumors are true: I fell during this performance. I fell hard. Mis nalgas are bluer this morning than the uniforms of those Miami Dolphins who are so awesome and who we own part of now! But do you know why I fell, amigos? You don’t think it was an ACCIDENT, do you? I mean come on:

“Nobody lets Mr. Love Buckle throw them around unless they EXPECT to fall. (Someone also once told me never to put Mr. Love Buckle in the corner, but you know what? I did, and it was FINE, once he stopped crying and doing the merengue and telling me his name was Frances.) I knew what was going to happen, mi gente. I WANTED to fall. Why? To teach you a lesson. Do you see me up here, in my flowery bloomers and tights and my clothes and shoes like I am the foxiest boxer in a private league owned by Siegfried and Roy (and my Marc, because he is so very sporty now, with his buying part of the Dolphins, who throw around the ball)? Well, see, Mr. Love Buckle and his friend, Hunchy Shorts, represent the mountain of fabulousness that I climb every day. It is the height of perfection, amigos. But some people, they climb this mountain without hooks and ropes and sherpas and Love Buckles and Eddie Bauer tents and helicopters and elevators and personal chefs. And so sometimes, people who are not me? They fall.  And so I wanted to SHOW them that you can get back up and DANCE, amores. You see, it was all for you. Because I am Jennifer Lopez, and I love you, and I suffer for you, like Jesus but with a better ass… Ay, Mr. Christ, I am kidding! HA HA HA! You are mighty. Who is your trainer? Pssst, don’t use Ben Assfleck’s. He has the abs of an inflatable boat. HA HA HA HA! Call me.

Te adoro,
J