I Fug You, Beth Cooper

Well, Hayden, it comes to this: I like your hair.

[Photo: Splash News]

As for the rest of it, let’s just say that if you told me that you’d tried to leave the house in a see-through dress that looks like you’re halfway through getting a full-body tattoo, and your mother caught wind of it and screamed, “I did NOT carry you for NINE MONTHS just so you could go on LETTERMAN and be PRACTICALLY NAKED,” and haphazardly splashed your vital bits with shoe polish to create the illusion of modesty… well, I would believe it. In fact, were that true, I might even send her flowers and a cheesecake.

In other news, please thank the lady who sprays you with self-tanner, because she made it so very crazy-shiny that it almost obscured the white bra and thong that appear to be peeking through all that lace.

I said ALMOST.