AMA Awards Show Fug: Rihanna

If I were Rihanna, and I’d shown up in a glorified napkin that left me paranoid a strong gust — or even just the wind created by Colbie Caillat’s PR girl hurrying past with a watering can — would expose my butt, I’d have been pretty stoked to change into this, too.

I mean, it doesn’t get much more protective than thigh-high boots over rubber pants. Nothing is falling out of this except the tip of her big toe. It’s basically a hugely elaborate chastity belt — poor Chris Brown probably had to spend half an hour helping her peel them off after the show, possibly while she held onto a doorframe as he pulled as hard as he could in the opposite direction and tried to grease the wheels with hand lotion and saliva. And if that weren’t a deterrent enough to anyone invading her personal space, her spiky bodice — the sides of which appear to be barfing chains — is something I imagine strippers wore in Mordor. It’s very overdone and freaky, and I can’t BELIEVE she was willing to put up with chains thwacking against her Precious every time she moved.

Perhaps her own accessory put it best:

“Bad” indeed. The bling is wise, RiRi. The bling is wise.