Independent Spirit Awards Fug Carpet: Laura Dern

Must… suppress… frustration…

My, what a nice… pedicure! And don’t her eyes look lovely. And, gosh, her teeth are so nice and white. What else, what else… oh yes, that dress would look so adorable with a cute pair of strappy sandals AND A BARE LEG, LAURA, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU WOULD LOOK TOTALLY HOT WITH BETTER SHOES AND NO JEANS OH MY GOD I CAN’T SWALLOW MY RAGE I THINK THIS IS GOING TO [thud] kjghlakdskjlhag

“Hello friends — Intern George here. Heather’s going to be fine. She turned a little blue in the face and started gesturing wildly before fainting dead away on her computer keyboard. It was so graceful, I applauded for five minutes before I realized it was a real rage blackout. ‘Silly George!’ I boomed, rife with manly regret. ‘Woe betide thee if a Fug Girl gets a concussion on your watch!’ But after some extensive CPR and a lot of me fanning her with my 1500 thread-count pillow-cases, which I keep with me at all times just in case I need to lay someone down and hold them all night long, Heather revived. She seemed to think she needed a little more CPR but I hugged her tightly instead and sent her off to a corner, where she’s now engaging in her usual ritual of rocking back and forth and screaming, “Why?” She’s even regained enough of her senses to start begging Laura Dern for mercy. So, all will soon be well here at GFY HQ; fear not, sweet friends. But I do beg you: Please put your pants away if you’re wearing a perfectly lovely cocktail dress. If not for her, then do it for me, your embraceable George. For I can’t live another day picking Heather or Jessica up off the floor for any reason OTHER than it’s their turn to get a Georgieback ride to the fridge. It’s too emotionally taxing.” - Intern George