J.Fug

“Ugh. I cannot believe this. Did I not warn the troll? Did I not TELL him that if he opened his shirt like that in public, I would wear the dress that looks like a giant sideways bow tie? YES I DID. And yet he LAUGHED and said, ‘Wearing that dress punishes ME somehow?’ And then when I said, ‘Mi pobre runty husband, your shirt is like Pandora’s Box, and if you open it then I will RAIN HELLFIRE DOWN ON THE STASH OF B-POSITIVE YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW IS IN THE ATTIC,’ he ripped it open one notch lower and walked out of the house. I am going to puke. Mark my words, amigos — get it? MARK my words? HA HA HA — no, but really, mark them: Like sands through the fancy hourglass I am costumed as today, so are the days of our marriage. The joke is BACK ON HIM, bitches. Even if the blood milkshakes HAVE perked up his complexion it’s still J.Lo 450, Vampire Spouse 0.”