Kristin Fugallari

Kristin Cavallari used to be as omnipresent on The Scene as… well, as Lauren Conrad is now. What Laguna Beach giveth, The Hills taketh away, I guess, huh, Kristin? Maybe there’s only room for so many MTV blondes, and now that Heidi got those generic, boring implants because Spencer is manipulative because she felt God accidentally forgot to make her a C-cup, she takes up a bit more room at the table.

And so, we’ve seen a little bit less of K-Cav in the last six months to a year. Which was probably smart of her, because overexposure is — like Spencer, I imagine — a friend to no one. But the problem is, when you’re off the radar, you need to come back on with a bang and not a whimper.

Sadly for Kristen, that noise you hear is a whimper, and it’s coming from me.

I’m almost speechless. That dress is not good. Good is The Wizard of Oz; bad is looking like a cocktail waitress at the piano lounge where the Wicked Witch of the West goes to get drunk and sing about her problems. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we learned the dress was put together by a passel of her flying monkeys. It’s badly sewn; her chest looks lopsided and… kind of like a shelf, really, but without the benefit of being able to rest a drink on it; there’s a wrinkle in the front that looks like a strange stain; there are crinkles all down the skirt that look like it rode up on her in the limo but good; and it’s way too short to be flattering to her generally very nice legs.

And, wow, could her smaller toes be working any harder to get out of those shoes? I think her left foot’s littlest piggy foot paid its neighbors to tie up the top two and steal their wallets for a night on the town. I suspect that’s going to end in tears.