Lauren Fugbrose

No, Lauren Ambrose. No. Nice try, but I won’t let you break me. I’ve been broken before and Intern George needed to pick up the pieces and it wasn’t pretty (even if, secretly, it was sort of fun for me to have my pieces picked up by such a… … um… loyal employee).

So, I will just quietly note that no matter how great you were with Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, and as much as I wish that movie had been about you and not that kind of wussy Ethan Embry character, I can’t willingly endorse this look.

I don’t even care if you’re about to deploy jazz hands, or spirit fingers. The pants under the dress, and those shoes WITH the pants, are SERIOUSLY MISGUIDED, lady. ESPECIALLY DURING SUMMER. I just… I mean… it’s… I can’t…

“Deep breath, Heather, calm down… BE the jazz hands… that’s right. Is your pulse slowing down? Good. Because, sweet fugger, I have a cunning plan to save the day, so hop on the Georgie Express and have a listen. Zooey Deschanel owns way too many pairs of opaque black tights, correct? And Lauren Ambrose apparently doesn’t own any, or else she might be wearing them instead of her favorite pair of Boyfriend Jeans from two years ago. So, Lauren should just give Zooey a jingle, arrange to relieve her of a few of those 60-denier security blankets, and the world will continue spinning properly on its axis because everything will be in better balance. We all win! Jazz hands for everyone. Let your spirit fingers waggle freely like hug-worms of elation, because it’s chocolate martini time.”

Sigh. Thank you, George. You are such a comfort. Also, feel free to give the Godiva liqueur a heavy pour. Don’t hold back.