Leighton Fugster

It’s rare that my brain is working hard enough on a Monday for it to experience a mind-flood, and yet, here I am, awash with objections:

1) Whoa.

2) Didn’t I see that pattern on an inspirational poster with the word “SUCCESS” or “INTEGRITY” underneath it, paired with a stirring motivational quote that’s supposed to make me a more stable person? And if not, can we turn this into a poster that says “FUGDACITY” or “FUGSEVERANCE” that’s all about having the intestinal fortitude to keep wearing cracked-out patterns?

3) It’s as if someone tore open her clothes in a passionate fury, then
thought, “Oh, crap, I shouldn’t have done that,” and decided the ONLY
thing that could fix it would be the creation of a matching sports bra.
In about two weeks, I expect to hear that Nike has signed Leighton for
a lucrative deal to model a line of athletic dresses– just the thing
for the women (or men, I suppose) who swear they would run every day if
shorts didn’t ruthlessly chafe their inner thighs. Then Central Park
will be crawling with people in jogging dresses, and before you know
it, the U.S. Olympic track-and-field athletes will streak around the
track in full-support cocktail frocks. It’s a revolution, people. It’s
the “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” of workout apparel.

4) Ooh, actually, the OTHER place I saw this: It reminds me of the red sky during the end of Empire Strikes Back, when Luke is hanging underneath the Cloud City with his one hand, using the Force’s psychic text-message system to make Leia turn around and come back for him. So maybe this is Leighton’s subtle way of suggesting to us that when it comes to getting dressed, she could — wait for it — really use a hand. THANK YOU, I’ll be here all week. Tip your server.