Met Ball Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Kate Bosworth

BRUCE WILLIS: Hey HEY, check it OUT. Mmm. Tasty. YES. That Bosworth kid looks like an Old Hollywood movie star. Okay, so it’s not as uncomfortably exciting as that time Demi wore bike shorts with a cape, but I’m fragile. I can’t live through that kind of experience again. And Kate looks classy, even if it’s not all that original. I mean, I don’t even LIKE lace that much and she’s kind of making me want to eat her whole. Yeah, that’s right, I’d like to break off a piece of that and then dive hard into a fancy dipping sauce. Heh-heh. “Dive hard.” See what I did there? I slay me. I hate it when I make a joke no one can hear. Maybe I should tell my wife.

BRUCE: Wait. On second thought, Emma doesn’t need to know what I’m thinking. Maybe I’ll just keep watching Bosworth over there and try to figure out for myself how she’s making something as tired as lace-with-black-piping look alluring. Although it could be because she’s standing next to a dude in a blue suit and blue-suede shoes. THAT dude is insane. I bet Demi would have made me wear that when we were married. I should probably text Ashton.