“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I’m late but you wouldn’t BELIEVE what I had to go through to get here. First, so I’m leaving my apartment, right? And I’m waiting for the elevator and it gets to my floor and the door opens and I walk in and I fall right down the elevator shaft. The door just opened and the car wasn’t there! But luckily I only fell like….I dunno….thirty feet? Right. So, I manage to shimmy up the wall of the elevator shaft and I haul myself up onto my floor and I decide, fine — I’ll take the stairs. So I take all forty flights of stairs and when I get outside, I realize I’m really running late, so I decide to cut through the park, okay? So I’m walking along minding my own business and the next thing you know, I swear to God, this cat the size of a goat FLIES out of a tree and onto my head. So I’m wrestling this feral cat for seriously I don’t even know how long, like at least twenty minutes. And then once I ditched the cat, I had to run, you know, because I know I’m really late now, and of course it’s dark, and I’m in these heels and then OF COURSE I tripped and I fell into a giant pile of brambles. I do NOT know what they were doing in the middle of the pathway, it must have been some kind of gardening miscommunicado, but it took me forever to extract myself from them, and, actually, I think some of them might have been on fire. And then just as I was leaving of the park, a gang of girl hoodlums jumped me and stole my bag and made fun of my ponytail, like all, ‘Didn’t you learn anything from The September Issue? Why is your dress all covered in holes and torn up at the bottom? We hated G.I. Joe,‘ and I was like, ‘bitch, I just fell down an elevator shaft, wrestled a feral cat, was brutally attacked by flora, almost caught on fire, and had my bag stolen by hooligans. How do you EXPECT ME TO LOOK? I’VE HAD A LONG NIGHT.’ And after that, they left me alone.
Anyway. That’s why I’m late. And why my dress looks like it’s just been through the third act of a Michael Bay film. So sorry. Can someone just direct me to the bar? Thanks.”