Miss Jackson, If You’re Fugly

I have many questions.

One: I actually don’t hate the concept of the dress, but did Janet KNOW it was see-through, thereby governing her choice of a bra in what appears to be the exact same shade of brown? Don’t you think she might instead have chosen a camisole, or a slip, or — and I know this is crazy-talk, but here goes — a dress that wasn’t see-through at all? These are things she can control — which she clearly knows a little something about, since she named her debut album after it, and how DARE she lie to us through song.

Two: Why is Jermaine Dupri escorting her to a fancy couture show in Paris wearing the kind of pants you keep at the back of your closet, or in the garage, for when you have to paint the bathroom and don’t want to screw up your real clothes?

Three: I love a big bag, but why does Janet need one that massive? What could she possibly be sneaking into the show? A rotisserie chicken? A juicer? Whatever potentially rabid dog may have mauled Jermaine Dupri’s pants? Luxembourg? I MUST KNOW.