My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

PARIS: Oh, BFF person, thank you. You learned! This is MUCH BETTER.

BRITTANY: Yep. I am a quick study.

PARIS: You’re kind of wearing a tutu, sorta-maybe, and it’s a bit underwhelming, but you are walking like a FULL pace behind me! Just like I told you to! It is so awesome when people do what you tell them. You’re like a pet!

BRITTANY: Uh-huh. It’s a great gig. Just great.

PARIS: And, like, I’m totally in this kinda cute schoolteacher dress — like I’m a stripper who’s going to show up at some dude’s bachelor party looking all innocent and then it turns out this thing rips off and reveals that I’m wearing lingerie made of an old Algebra book, which I have totally done, but just on a random Sunday night and it was just for some dude I met at the nail salon — and you kinda look like a sad little pupil. Eating my every word with, like, a spork.

BRITTANY: Sporks. Right. Sure. And really, it’s fun back here. Don’t you worry about me.

PARIS: Now that you are on the right track, can you help me fix Nicky?

BRITTANY: What’s wrong with her?

PARIS: Um, have you SEEN HER?

PARIS: Like, seriously, it’s not Seattle and it’s not 1993, Nicky. And that Eddie Bauer shirt is not a dress. She is so stupid!

BRITTANY: Yeah! We’re not at Soundgarden concert, dumbass! And has she even EATEN since 1993?

PARIS: Shut up. Don’t insult my sister. That is so, like, RUDE, and stuff.

BRITTANY: What? I thought…

PARIS: Sigh. I guess we still have a long way to go, BFF. Try to keep up, okay?