New Fug

Jul 16, 2009 By Jessica AT 2:03 pm

So I finally saw Twilight. (I just opened the Netflix envelope and there it was!) Let me tell you, NO ONE should watch that movie alone. Not because it’s scary. But because so many sarcastic comments will occur to you throughout that the lack of an audience for them will quite possibly cause your head to explode. I had to resort to texting people things like, “OMG. WHAT? NO. SPARKLES! Terrible.” But it taught me something important, in addition to that. Namely, that Ashley Greene is SO much prettier in real life than she is as a vampire, possibly because all the vampires in Twilight use a whisk instead of a comb to do their hair. But as pretty as she is, even she can not pull off these:

Black leather high-waisted shorts? Do I even need to ELABORATE here?

  1. No.
  2. No.
  3. Hot.
  4. No.
  5. Sweaty
  6. No.
  7. Sticky.
  8. No.
  9. No.
  10. Shiny
  11. No.
  12. No.
  13. No.
  14. No.
  15. No.
  16. Especially not with a sweetly twee ruffly summertime-in-the-English-countryside, “do bring me another Pimm’s Cup, darling” top.
  17. No.
  18. Really.
  19. I mean…maybe if you’re a wrestler and you’re trying to make weight.
  20. Even then.
  21. No.
  22. No.
  23. Honey, no.
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