Opening Fugemony

All of yesterday, we assumed we’d just been hallucinating — that our elevated temperatures and wilting brains had invented the horrors of Chloe Sevigny’s new collection for Opening Ceremony. Surely it was too absurd to be real, we figured, or they were prank photographs. I mean, she’s a fashion nutjob, but she’s not THAT off her tree any more, is she?

Well… apparently we are too trusting. Not only is this real, but it’s Ultimate Fug. It’s borne of the bowels of fug, rolled in a crispy fug coating, and deep fried in fugpura batter.

Unless your name is Tawny Kitaen, and/or you’re working on your Rock Of Love audition tape for the inevitable next season, you have no business wearing this.

All of the photos, and outfits, look oddly like posters for really terrible old Lifetime Television For Women movies. You know, like, Her Stove Was Hot: My Wife, My Ho: The Trixie Lynn Bakerberry Story.

She Flipped The Death Card: Turban of Tarot, Shorts of Sin, starring Mary-Kate Olsen and Bonnie Bedelia.

Mother, May I Picnic With Danger?

Or there’s these little beauties:

Dyslexic Virgin of West Beverly High: The Untold Donna Martin Story

And of course its touching sequel:

Virgin of West Beverly 2: Don’t Hate, Graduate

And while I love a good, tacky 90210/Lifetime tribute as much as the next camp-hungry girl, I always thought Chloe Sevigny would rather impale herself on a roll of Laura Ashley wallpaper than come across like a cheesy substitute for Tori Spelling. Next up: A line of suspenders and oversized ties a la Brenda, followed by a collection devoted entirely to Emily Valentine and what one might wear if one needed to dump gasoline on one’s ex-boyfriend’s parade float. And if we’re REALLY good? Melrose Place mules and miniskirts, baby.