Oscar Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz

At least Cameron ditched the awful red lipstick and softened up her hair color, although we wish she would get it the hell out of her face:

But otherwise, this is kind of an uninspiring sequel to her strangely bridal post-breakup dress at the Golden Globes. Well, that’s not entirely true — it has inspired me to plug in my iron. More than just the strange sailor neckline, I hate that she looks like she’s sewn herself into an enormous linen napkin. Thank God they don’t serve a meal at the Oscars, or else we could have been in for an incredibly awkward confrontation when an absent-minded Jessica Biel wiped her mouth on Cameron’s collar, and Cameron responded by ramming a champagne bottle in her ear and screaming, “Try to work THAT off by running stairs, bitch!” And then, we’re all catfights in lily ponds — totally our cup of tea, actually, and our money’s on Cam (definitely a hair-puller, she looks like she might also be a biter) but when all’s said and done, Cam will need a hell of a lot of Oxy Clean to get out the stains. Perhaps she should’ve let them sponsor her by selling some ad space on her train.