Thora Birch swung by an Oscar party on her way home from work at the insurance company.
THORA! Seriously? YOUR HAIR HAS GOT TO GO. You look like you wash it with undiluted chlorine. Hot oil treatment! A trim! AN ACTUAL HAIRDRESSER. These are all things you need to look into. Please.
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Comments (74):
Is she wearing white tights or is that her own pasty leg color?
she’s not even dressed for the Oscars…she’s dressed for 8th grade class picture day.
I appreciate her attempt to be toned-down but she looks like she’s dressed for an office party.
I think that’s her own pasty leg color. I sympathyze because I’m very pasty myself, but honestly there’s this spray on hose that’s amazing to get rid of the ghostly white legs.
I love the shoes though.
I miss Goth-girl Thora. Insurance-girl Thora is much scarier.
I agree with Kandi, the shoes are fabulous. I totally want them.
The rest of the outfit, though…not so much.
Girlfriend’s not even trying. I swear to God I look more glamorous than this right now, and I’m a forty-year-old woman who works at home and who has a particularly bad case of the flu.
one of my favorite quotes totally applies here.
Thora, “the sun is free, use it”
She was fricken ADORABLE in Ghost World. Like, to the point where my man friends wanted to marry her. And yes, I know it was just a character, but girl looked GOOD! She and Christina Ricci, they both just make me sad.
Gosh. All the money she’s made and she can’t get a hairdresser who can save her locks! I think she really needs color. Maybe they can do a Celebrity “What not to Wear” just for Thora.
Bad hair? I’m just a guy but it doesn’t look like that to me – to me, it looks like a wig that’s sliding off the left side of her head.
Wow. That’s some funky-ass hair. What’s worse for me is that I just realized my own hair looks that bad. Excuse me while I go trim.
“Thora, ‘the sun is free, use it’ ”
Speaking as someone who is exactly that shade of white, she probably can’t get a tan. But Thora, that’s why God gave us white girls things like nylons and leg makeup. Pick one. Use it. Please.
why has no one commented on the orange circles that she has around her eyes? I don’t even know if it is make up, since is seems to go all the way around…makes her look kind of jaundiced.
How about her shoes clashing something awful with her skirt? Reds are definitely hard to match, but she is WAY off. Doesn’t she have any friends that she runs outfits by?
I was just going to mention her choice in ummmm.. eye makeup. That is what it is, right?
Being uber-whitey myself, I give Miss Thora props for not succumbing to leg makeup, mystic tan or tanning itself. Like me, she probably fries in the sun, burns, then peels. If she had tanned her legs one way or another, she would be fooling no one. I figured this out in 9th grade when I tried to sport some pantyhose with my denim skirt, circa 1986.
But yeah… eesh to the hair and outfit. Eeeesh.
More than anything, it just makes me sad in my heart and kind of nervous, like maybe this is a desperate cry for help.
A word of advice to pale women: Darker hair looks better on you. Take a look at Thora Birch and Nicole Kidman. Both used to be gorgeous, but now look jaundiced. Part of this may have to due with weight loss, but bottle blonde hair will never do you any favors. Trust me.
Why does she always wear lipstick that’s way too just, ugly?
Can she not afford a good bra??
I’m sorry, but she’s got an Oompa Loompa body. Long torso, short legs, freaky head.
Her body is like a 3 piece puzzle.
Also? Cankles.
She looks like my first date in high school.
I want to be mean about her body, but I cannot. Because she isn’t a stick and I have to appreciate that, out of principle.
Her hair seriously does not look that bad. If all insurance people looked this good, then hmmm… I don’t what. But she looks cute.
she just makes me so sad.
i didn’t realize fug was supposed to be so depressing!
Her hair really is terrible. I also can relate to her pastyness. I’m a redhead and I cannot tan but gosh I will give her the $20 for some Endless Summer.
And since no-one else has mentioned it, I will – this picture is also a very precise illustration of why women blessed with big boobs should avoid stretchy, shiny, high-necked white things.
High necked: makes you look matronly
White: makes you look fat
Stretchy, shiny fabric: emphasises both the above
PS Who do you reckon her favourite band is?
I’m glad someone else noted the unflattering high neck which emphasizes the fact that her boobs are way down by her elbows. a v-neck would’ve been a much better option, I think.
Also, this is the best I’ve ever seen her hair looking, so I won’t make fun of that. I will, however, point out the whore-red lipstick and the constant leg bruises this girl is continually rocking on the red carpet. It just doesn’t look good.
Ah, “Ghost World”. Thora Birch and Scarlett Johansson trying to look frumpy, and *almost* getting there.
Clearly, Birch has kept practicing, and is now much better at it.
Has no one mentioned the BRUISES on her legs? Pasty is fine, but pasty littered with yellow bruises…yuck.
-Vanessa
Another victim of the overblonding of Hollywood. The girl needs some serious follicular management. That’s some fried hair – I can see it sizzling and popping from here.
BTW – I am glad someone pointed out that the shoes clash with the outfit.
OK, even if we were talking about an office party it’s just wrong wrong wrong.
As one of your three fellow DHAKers who are forced to work at an insurance company, I have to point out that you gave their employees too much credit. They don’t have that outfit at Dress Barn, so no one here would ever wear it.
Wow. Do you think she goes home and night and throws darts at a photo of Scarlet?
OKAY, we are – all of us – way too judgemental. We rag on her for having pasty legs and bruises. Had she been wearing hose, we would have ragged on her for that.
Here’s a post for Mischa Barton from last week:
“Regarding nylons: . . . It’s true. I read –oh, somewhere, I can’t remember– that women should gratefully rejoice because NYLONS ARE BACK!!!! OMG!!!
I fail to rejoice.”
As a pasty white girl who bruises easily, what is a girl to do?
“I’m sorry, but she’s got an Oompa Loompa body. Long torso, short legs, freaky head.
Her body is like a 3 piece puzzle.
Also? Cankles.”
Oooo, while you certainly have a right to an opinion, I think you’re being unnecessarily harsh.
I think she has a lovely figure, but she’s dressed ALL worng. And the hair, for the love of God. Must go.
Nobody’s forgetting that it’s the red-carpet camera angle that gives celebrities the Midget Legs disease, right? Just checking.
Thora does have a fine figure and it is a shame she hasn’t found a stylist to help her out (engage me! My fine taste and your Hollywood residuals. We could be a fantastic team!).
I hope she finds a good upcoming role. I think it would help out her fashion choices.
Is it some kind of red-shoes-on-red-carpet optical illusion, or did she break both heels off her shoes running over the grates in the sidewalk outside her insurance office?
thora has clearly adopted kate bosworth and maria bello’s abandoned breast tissue.
but the round neck top is no friend of the ample bosom. even the scary hair and lipstick can’t drag your eyes away from the chest.
http://luckycrackers.blogspot.com/
Hee! Yep, that was me, bemoaning the return of Vogue-sanctioned nylons.
I’m a redhead, and I’m so pale I’m clear. I’ve decided it’s a feature. Good enough for Sophie Dahl, good enough for me. 
(Okay, so I’m just lazy and despise wearing nylons with white-hot passion.)
Dear Thora:
Thora, darling, you are a damn foxy brunette. You are a tubercular blonde. For the love of all that’s sexy, please go back to brown.
Thanks.
Love, Fluffernutter
I guess I’m missing something, because I thought whoever this is looks fine.
She looks top of the line white trash. Usually that hair and makeup is accompanied by a half-top that that has “Poison” written across it and some leggings and white hightop reeboks (the kind with the velcro straps).
Well, at least the shoes are nice. But seriously, gah, the rest is terrible. Thora, what happened? You used to be so cute and quirky in a good, non-secretary/crackwhore way, Miss Bleachy McBleacherson. Bleh.
I was thinking that she could look so cute with the finger-waved bob Maggie Gyllenhaal was sporting on Oscar Night.
I cannot believe I’m advocating anything Maggie’s ever worn/done.
i love thora. she’s not all ho’d out, which is a good sign. she’s not trying to wear some high fashion bullshit, which is also a good sign. she’s young and dressed too safe, which is much easier to fix then say, a bai ling situation. y’know, it’s like, where do you go from THERE?
thora, i would suggest: if you want to keep your color, go for some kind of a shag, or maybe really short like what kirsten dumbst is trying so very hard to pull off. if you’re ready to go darker, try a caramel color, something warm, honey brown, some low lights. as for the makeup, try chantecaille. i think their dewy pastels would look great on you. and clothes. if you want to get funky, try something from anna sui, it’s quirky and no one really wears her stuff in hollywood. maybe vivienne westwood. you could totally pull that off. and instead of fake bake and nylons (although you could do vintage stockings with colored seams up the back), maybe pants?
*Worships Ninaberries*
Yes! Vintage seamed stockings yes!
Yes, Ninaberries, YES!!! Hey Thora, are you reading this? If you take her advice you’ll never be fugged again.
I’ve seen her look better. She is part of the young, pale, edgy, independant actress crowd. GET THEE SOME SUN.
maybe she should eat some liver, then she won’t bruise so easily…is it vitamin A that does that?
and how about some blue shampoo? it’ll take the brass out baby!
coleen, i don’t get maggie gyllenhaal’s allure either. have you seen her in that all-in-one romper suit that gives her a terrible camel toe? fug ugly. and she has that fox of a boyfriend.
but she looks okay in those miu miu ads.
http://luckycrackers.blogspot.com/
She reminds me of Christina Applegate in the 80′s.
I’m a pale redhead who refuses the sun and nylons but my legs only look like that if I’m cold or I haven’t put any lotion on. Could it be Ms. Birch just needs to moisturize?
Get yourself a box of chestnut hair color please?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: she looked fifty thousand times better as the black-haired, Louise-Brooks-bobbed Enid in “Ghost World,” and that’s when she was 20 pounds heavier and wore bizarre vintage clothes. She just looks so, so ordinary now, like any dumb white girl you’d see walking around a mall on her lunch break. No style, no substance, no nothin’. A great pity.
Girl, Cate Blanchett called. She wants her lipstick back.
This picture makes me sad. She looks like she isn’t taking care of herself. It’s one thing to opt out of the glamour race in Hollywood, but that’s obviously not her bag, since she’s still being photographed at these parties. I get an early Courtney Love vibe off her with the neglected hair and the obvious misconception that if you swath on enough red lipstick you can neglect the rest of your face. I think she’s drugged up, big time. She’s starting to sink into that dead-eyed functional heroin addict look.
She followed the two of the absolute rules of High School fashion.
1) show off your oompah boobs… Which will keep the guys eyes glued.
2) wear nice shoes to keep the girls from critiquing.
Am I the only dude with an ‘Oompah Loompah’ fetish?
Loompahs are sexy!
OK,every crime has motive and opportunity. Thora committed his heinous act of fashion felony to taunt Scarlet Johansson. (Note the use of the color RED). By her M.O. of going to that Oscar party so badly dressed and so bruised, she had the opportunity to show the world how she has suffered post-Ghost World. The movie made Scarlet a rising star and left Thora struggling.
I thought there was some sort of dress code for the Oscar Ceremony, you know, because it’s a FORMAL event? Why is she dressed this way? How’d she get in? Even the security people were all dressed in at least suits, women as well as men, so how did Thora get in dressed like, as someone pointed out, like an 8th grader on Picture day?
And why does she insist on buying her lipstick from Walgreens?
Props to the Oompa Loompa poster…that was the image that popped into my dome when I saw those crazy eyebrows. The shadow of her eyebrow ridge makes them look very orange and Wonka-esque
Tora Birch is so fugly that she doesn’t even know what to do with herself. She isn’t what you can call a supermodel, so to cover up her lack of beauty she’s trying too hard to get an original look. But the result is disastrous. The make-up is so weird that it makes her look like a corpse. Maybe she should audition for Six Feet Under. Anyway, Tora is among those average josephine actresses(think Christina Ricci, Chloe Sevigny) who are struggling to enhance their ugly looks.
what’s a josephine actress?
“two of the absolute rules of High School fashion.
1) show off your oompah boobs… Which will keep the guys eyes glued.
2) wear nice shoes to keep the girls from critiquing.”
ROFL thats soo true!
I think she looks OK (for a day look, not for the Oscars), it’s just the hair that bothers me.
The “I fell asleep and my kitten started playing with my hair” hair. *shudders*
Wow. I’m a pale girl too, so I applaud her as well for not doing some sort of fake bake. At least she’s not orange.
She looks just terrible as a blonde. Her hair from “American Beauty” is really flattering – long and dark. Pale girls look much better with dark hair.
There are some photos of her on IMDB at Sundance this year. She has some very light, neutral makeup on, like a sheer pink lip gloss. It looks so much better than the red she’s trying to pull off (and failing at).
Um, Thora, honey?
Please let me cut you some bangs, maybe a nice little connected fringe to frame your face? And… maybe… hey, let’s do it black! Do you think? I could even leave some hipster-y little blond parts in for you, if thats really what you want.
Also, I have this awsome Betsey Johnson dress, black silk with a plungy neck line and a low back…. you can totally borrow it! But only if you promise to throw a glass at Scarlett. She annoys me. Seriously.
Thora can be such a pretty girl; this was just not her night…I don’t have a problem with her being pasty (like others have said, it’s refreshing to see someone in Hollywood who isn’t orange all over) and I certainly don’t see cankles on her, but the hair is god-awful and those orange circles around her eyes make her look ill. Plus, she really isn’t dressed up and that is a bit sad.
“We found the Heffalump!”
“We love you Heffalump!”
She is so gorgeous in an Erin Moran Happy Days way!
I wonder if she isn’t the love spawn of ‘Joni Loving Chachi?’
An average josephine is an average woman: not particularly beautiful. Let’s say Tora can’t really competei with a Molly Sims or a Salma Hayek, if you know what I mean.
Perhaps I just don’t get out enough, but I have no idea who this chick is.
However, I can recognize a nice pair of tits when I seem them.
Mmm, short, plain women with nice breasts.
Wow, this is just the pinnacle of tackiness. She just looks bad bad bad, kind of like the awkward girl in junior high who really tried but never could quite get herself together. Which I can sympathize with because I was that girl, but that was junior high, everyone was tacky then. Thora, you’re a grown-up now, for godsake get yerself together!
DP2.0 – she wasn’t *at* the oscar ceremony, just one of the after parties, so there was no “dress code” to speak of. Tom Cruise showed up at one in Jeans and a Motorcycle Jacket with REALLY BAD hair.
Just really bad…. all of it…..even the shoes, they look like those crap satin ones that you get dyed to match a bridesmaid dress.