Oscars Post-Party Fug: Sharon Stone

“HELLO FRIENDS. I am SHARON STONE. And I am FABULOUS. BEHOLD my white suit, a tribute — nay, a glorious homage — to my peep John Travolta. Admit it. I look kind of rad in this. You know I do. For I can do anything: I had a brain thingie that exploded in my head…and LIVED. I had a husband who got bit by a dragon…AND THEN I LEFT HIM. I was the FIRST actress to show people my vagina — THE FIRST! Well, sort of. Okay, that’s a total lie. But for the purposes of my current argument: THE FIRST! I AM LEGEND. And yes, I look like a tapping-dancing maitre d’ in this. I KNOW THAT. But I’m an AWESOME tap-dancing maitre d’. AND YOU LOVE IT. You’d look like a refugee from a college production of one of those Busby Berkeley musicals where people twirl around in concentric circles holding giant coins. But I look GLORIOUS. BEHOLD ME!

PS: I AM WEARING A RABBIT’S FOOT, IT’S TRUE. Watch out, I’ll use as a swizzle stick in your cocktail if you displease me, HUMAN”