Oscar Post-Party Fug Carpet: Hilary Swank

“Hello, movie producers of America!

“You might remember me as Girl Who Played A Boy in Boys Don’t Cry, or Girl Who Played A Boxer in Million-Dollar Baby. You probably don’t remember me as Girl Who Was in P.S. I Love You, because nobody saw that, or Girl Who Was In That Other Thing, because nobody saw that either, and I really HOPE you don’t remember me as Girl Who Was In The Disaster Movie About Drilling That Wasn’t Armageddon, although Stanley Tucci was in that with me, and doesn’t that sound right? That man is in EVERYTHING. Anyway, what I really want you to remember as is Girl From That Movie Where She Spent The Whole Time Looking Super Hot. Unfortunately, nobody has given me that part in a movie yet, which is why I’ve decided to show up to the Oscars tonight as Girl Who Borrowed Pam Anderson’s Bathing Suit And Made A Sarong Out Of Satin. Do you see these boobs? You didn’t know I had ‘em, did you? They’re great. And did you see the back?

“I have a really great back, and I am proving it! So, please, stop seeing me as Girl Who Wins Awards For Being Dowdy And/Or A Boy, and start seeing me as Girl With Bodacious Rack Who Would Like An Oscar For Being Super Sexy. Or, failing that, Girl Who Plays Boobs Legsly’s Older Sister On Gossip Girl, because she already has a mother, and this totally looks like something Boobs would wear, if she cut a slit up to the crotch. Maybe I should do that real fast. Because hey, if it works for the star of a ratings-challenged soap on America’s fifth-place network, then it DEFINITELY should work for a two-time Oscar winner! Toodles!”