Fug Fug You Fug Me

[Photos: Splash News]

BLAKE: Penn. I’m over here. Why are you walking so far away from me?

PENN: I’m… sick?

BLAKE: You were fine an hour ago.

PENN: I forgot to brush my teeth.

BLAKE: Didn’t stop you from kissing me before I got into costume.

PENN: I … am out of excuses.

BLAKE: Correct. Because guess what: I already know why. We’ve discussed this before.

PENN: You were totally right. Someone in wardrobe DOES hate you.

BLAKE: WHAT IS THIS THING?

PENN: It’s bad, honey.

BLAKE: For real. Take a look-see at the other side.

BLAKE: LOOK HOW SHORT THAT IS. Seriously, to wear this I have to wax myself a week before my hair follicles even start DREAMING about growing anything. And it makes my ass look like it’s growing something. My ass is SO MUCH hotter than this.

PENN: It really is.

BLAKE: What is wrong with these people? Do they not realize their show relies upon me looking as ravishing as possible, and not like a J.C. Penney juniors-wear model from 1991?

PENN: Shh. Keep your voice down. I’m really sorry this is happening to you.

BLAKE: Well, then you should stand close to me and support me in my time of need, Penn. Be a boyfriend.

PENN: I can do that in private, Blake, but… I just don’t want whoever hates you to start hating ME, too.
Because then they’ll put me in, like, mohair bloomers and a tank top
made of bumper stickers that makes my chest look concave, and the
Internet will go CRAZY. And I just can’t handle that kind of stress in
my life right now. It could seriously affect the growth of my sideburns.

BLAKE: Hmm. I would think me shaving ‘DOUCHE’ into them in the middle of the night would ALSO affect that.

PENN: Okay, FINE, let’s make out in front of the wardrobe trailer.

BLAKE: That’s better.