Pirates of the Fugabbean

Earlier this evening…

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: So, I’ve just bought these pink amateur-stripper shoes and I’m simply dying to take them out on the town.

OILY ORLANDO BLOOM LOOKALIKE WHO COULD BE HER BOYFRIEND RUPERT BUT MAY ACTUALLY BE ORLANDO BLOOM FOR ALL I KNOW: Oh, Kee, that’s SUPER. Whatever will you wear with them?

KEIRA: I’m not sure, but I do think it’s smashing how your profile looks so much like Luke Perry’s.

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: He is my everything.

KEIRA: I do reckon he’d have washed his hair a bit, though. Look, pay attention to me again, okay? The shoes. I’ve already got the skort suit to go with them, and it’s pretty spectacular. It looks like a Bed In A Bag set.

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: Well done, you. There isn’t a girl alive who isn’t cringing at how many of those she bought back in the 90s, and how fooled they all were by culottes. Making people uncomfortable is totally principle No. 1 of Siennaing yourself. Well played.

KEIRA: And belting it through nonexistent belt loops is even better — seriously, I’m going to beat Sienna Miller at her own game. But what is the outfit missing? Maybe a sweater…

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: “Maybe”? Especially a sweater. It’s summer. Oh! Brainwave! Think about it — what is the ULTIMATE summer accessory, especially with open-toed shoes?

KEIRA: Erm… some sort of man-beard to help fend off his gay rumors? … Leggings?

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: No, no… think even MORE drama. MORE Sienna. MORE.

KEIRA: Oh, snaps, you sexy pirate tart! BLACK TIGHTS! Genius!

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: Right? In the summer, nothing is as perfect as thick, nubbly black tights!

KEIRA: God, it is perfect.

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: I know — you are officially one crotch-snapping bodysuit away from making it as impossible as you can to go to the bathroom efficiently. It’s so 1990s high-school keg party, I can’t even STAND IT.

KEIRA: That Bosworth chick is lucky to have you. If you weren’t already teaching her the art of Millering herself silly, I’d yo-ho-ho my way into your trousers like a granny on a pile of prunes!

OOBLWCBHBRBMABOBFAIK: That made no sense, especially as I might not actually BE Orlando Bloom, although I myself haven’t even decided that yet… Oh, stop pouting, Kee, I’m teasing. Put your epic jaw away.