A Quantum of Fugace

Oct 30, 2008 By Heather AT 9:12 am

Welcome, everyone, to today’s historic Battle of the Relatively Unknown Brunette Bond Girls.

In the red corner, we have Olga Kurylenko, former model and current noted celluloid demi-nudist:

She comes out swinging with the full-frontal view, knocking you in the gut with its understated loveliness…

… then sucker-punches you in the gullet with an explosion of red ruffles that looks either like the symptom of a very rare and complex venereal disease, or as if her derriere has opened a flower shop that does weddings. If Ronald McDonald ever needs a toupe, I know where to send him.

And in the blue corner, we have Olga’s opponent, Gemma “The Sassy St. Trinian’s Strumpet” Arterton:

Gemma doesn’t mess with any of that fancy footwork, or feinting and ducking and meaningless punches; she just waits, then cold-cocks you with the sheer force of her bejewelled foot bindings and a dress that resembles nothing so much as the product of an unholy union between Bai Ling’s creative team and Torvill and Dean’s legendary 1984 “Bolero” ice-dance routine. All it’s missing is Daniel Craig gliding up behind her and lifting her with his leg. In fact, I hope that’s a plot point in Quantum of Solace — James goes undercover as half of a skating duo, dons his absurdly snug trousers and a matching purple puffy shirt worthy of Seinfeld, and has to perform an achingly romantic routine that receives exactly two 5.8s, three 5.9s, three 6.0s, and one 5.4 from the Romanian judge (screw the new scoring system) in order to disarm a bomb wired to the scoreboard.

Clearly, it would work, and James Bond would win the day. But this Bondette brawl still needs a victor, and it’s up to you:

poll by twiigs.com

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