Fug on Over

Dear Jessica Simpson,

The rumors that you’ve heard are true: I am starting to feel for you. All the tabloids are obsessed with your love life, and acting like you’re about six seconds away from dying a dried up old spinster crone if you don’t get married again RIGHT NOW. You’re not even thirty! No one’s complaining about how Nick Lachey appears to be dating someone who hasn’t had an actual job other than going on vacation for like three years. Can’t they give you a break? So in honor of my recent feelings of fondness for you, I am going to do you a solid: