Because at some point, someone at the Screen Actors Guild said, “God, the Oscars would be so much better if we didn’t have to sit through all those boring writing and editing awards.” And every year thereafter, the writers of the world were unable to resist mocking them for it. Speaking of mocking, please join us as we live-blog all the red carpet shenanigans on E! (Keep hitting refresh for updates.)
3:00 p.m.: You never want to be the first yahoo on the red carpet at any awards show, but especially not a Ryan Seacrest-less one like the SAGS. Who will that yahoo be tonight?!
3:02: Apparently, the first yahoo is Ross.
3:03: Ross has Anna Gunn of Breaking Bad; she looks classy in basic black, which — as far as we can tell — is a huge upgrade from her pink disaster at the Globes. Also in black: Kelly Osborne, who looks lovely in Jenny Packham. She and Giuliana are chatting about whether or not the very ill Jennifer Lawrence is going to make it; G says, “this is so her moment.” Um. I think the SAGs are basically no one’s Moment. I hate to break it to you, Giuliana. I will, however, note that G looks pretty cute in a blue Max Azria that is about 100000% better than the crazballs Moldy Saloon Owner frock she sported at the Globes.
3:09 p.m.: Um, wow. Peter Facinelli just ceremonially “opened” the SAGs with a toast like it’s the christening of a cruise ship and not a 2nd rate awards show. He has, I think, taken SEVERAL toasts of the Taittinger, because he seems kind of buzzed. He also hasn’t shaved.
3:12 p.m.: This is the part of the SAGs where everyone is just talking about the Globes. Why am I so MEAN about the SAGs? I cannot control myself. I don’t even dislike the SAGs! I just can’t stop mocking them. Also: that entire segment of the show just now was Kelly yapping about how side-parted hair was really overdone at the Globes, and then tossing to a side-parted Giuliana. As a traditionally side-parted person, I will never diss the side-part. In other news: they have no one to talk to, and no one is there yet.
3:17 p.m: Busy Philipps and her bump are sporting a ginormo necklace the likes of which we have most recently seen modeled by Countess Luann in her talking heads on RHoNY. She looks pretty, however — and she gives a shoutout to the sandwich as a concept, which obviously we are down with. We will get a sandwich with you any time, Busy Philipps.
3:21 p.m: Eddie Redmayne is wearing brown velvet, and in talking to him about his color blindness (?), Giuliana wonders aloud, “why am I so terrible?” DON’T SAY THOSE THINGS ON TV, G. Snarky people will not be able to hold their collective tongues.
3:22 p.m: Morena Bactine (as I call her to avoid having to look up how to spell Baccarin) looks completely normal….UNTIL THEY PAN DOWN and half of her skirt is sheer. What is her stylist’s major malfunction? She is so gorgeous and she always is wearing something cracktacular.
3:25 p.m: Ross is talking to Katrina Bowden — looking pretty (if slightly vacant, as usual) in mint — because no one else is willing to talk to him right now; Giuliana has NO ONE. Literally, zero people. And they still cut to her. This show runs so much more tightly when Seacrest is in the building.
3:29 p.m: Poor G SWEARS that LOTS of celebs are TOTALLY expected; she throws to Kelly, who announces that she can’t see anything because it’s too bright in there, so she has no idea who is even there, AND something just fell into a water feature next to her, so she is also soaked. Is this SAGs cursed?!
3:31 p.m: I think Kerry Washington just chest-bumped a PR girl. In other news, Alec Baldwin’s hair looks ridiculous, and Ariel Winter’s dress is a peach color that doesn’t seem to be doing her any favors. I am just pretending this incredibly dull conversation that Giuliana is having with Jim Parsons about dub-step isn’t even happening (G calls it, “the dumb-step” and also “dup-step”). Eventually, G pulls Ellie Kemper into to rescue her, and she TOO is wearing mint. Mint might be the color of the night. AND BOREDOM THE EMOTION.
3:36 p.m.: Ross is talking to Phil Dunphy, and compares Phil’s Thom Browne suit to Michelle Obama’s inaugural coat. Sigh. “I know it never gets old, but does it get old at all?” Ross asks, of getting nominated. SIGH. You guys, I can not express to you what an amateur-hour shitshow this red carpet is without Ryan there to drive the ship.
3:42 p.m: What if Ross asks Mark Salling about the sexual assault charges pending against him right now? Like, if he flipped a switch and went — HOLY SHIT. JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT HE DID. HE DID ASK HIM. (Salling denies that he assaulted anyone and calls it a “fraudulent lawsuit” and then brings up Jesus.) I have literally never said this, but: Way to go, Ross.
3:45 p.m: Kerry Washington is in white Rodarte, and tells G that no one other than other actors understand what actors go through. And here we go. The first of the sure to be many moments where an actor acts like her job is more difficult than, like, neurosurgery or working in a coal mine. In other news: Michelle Dockery is sporting MAJOR sideboob, and Jane Krakowski is wearing an orange sherbert concoction.
3:49 p.m: As pointed out in the comments, you CAN see some of G’s hair extension bonds in close-ups if you know what they look like. Someone pop over there and smooth her hair down! You know she is waiting to get fresh ones put in right before the Oscars, so these are at the end of their lifespan, but you can’t leave a girl hanging like that on TV!
3:55 p.m.: The SAG Award’s codpiece makes me uncomfortable.
3:56 p.m.: Elisabeth Moss is talking to G — finally, a real celebrity! She’s wearing a cocktail-length black Dolce & Gabbana with a sequined skirt, and her short hair looks very cute. Ross has Naya Rivera and her dress is really not made for those boobs.
4:00 p.m: Rainn Wilson just called Golden Globe winner Damian Lewis “that ginger dude.” Dude. Pick up an EW. FINALLY, here is Chastain, wearing a red Alexander McQueen. She is so charming, as usual. Her dress seems a bit too tight, perhaps?
4:04 p.m.: Liev Schrieber didn’t even bother to shave, and he and G are talking about….whether or not G looks like her sister. “You have such minimal makeup,” G says to Naomi. “Should I have more?” she wonders. I decided that Naomi really super hates Giuliana.
4:07 p.m: Wow. G’s convo with Bradley Cooper is incredibly awkward. She is being all awkward and weird — “do you feel sexy right now?” — and can’t really manage to ask him a question, and he clearly seems to think this whole thing is really dumb and it’s just…awkward. Not as awkward as the “Mini Cooper” Ross just made, but still.
4:09 p.m.: G just smelled Neil Patrick Harris and now they’re talking about Lady Gaga and now she is going to make him juggle. “We brought some balls,” she says. What does this have to do with anything? Why is all of this happening to me right now?
4:12 p.m: Ross has Freida Pinto and Dev and Ross has ONCE AGAIN made everything about himself. Across the way, Jennifer Lawrence has finally arrived. Allegedly, she’s got the flu, but she looks perky as usual. Helen Hunt looks smashing in a gold sequined strapless number, and G helpfully doesn’t make her juggle. We also need to talk about how the E! set makes it look like G is broadcasting from the garden center of a Target.
4:17 p.m: Julianne Moore in Chanel couture. It is Chanel couture…and yet the top doesn’t fit or flatter her at all. It’s a total Scroll-Up Fug, because the skirt is really cute. E! DOES show a clip of Julianne on As The World Turns and it is tremendous, because she explains that she was not actually playing twins, but identical half-sisters.
4:20 p.m: Amanda Seyfried always seems stoned at these things, you guys. Am I wrong? (Wow, and I wrote this at 4:20 pm. UNINTENIONAL.) Her navy blue Zac Posen is divine, though. I wish someone would have asked her if her boobs think it’s going to rain.
4:22 p.m: “Were you not feeling well?” G asks Jennifer Lawrence. G, you are the person who was telling us she is sick like an hour ago. Also, someone is full-on screaming in the background. Like, actually murdered-screaming. What is HAPPENING on this broadcast? Also: Jennifer just made her fingers into little Godzillas in the mani-cam, which…was amazing. She is so cute.
4:30 p.m: Tina Fey is in black, with a shiny belt. She looks lovely, but will not win Fug Nation’s best dressed three years a row. She is talking about doing a Mean Girls musical, which I did not know about about OMG THAT IS HAPPENING AND YES.
4:32 p.m.: Julie Bowen yammers on about how exhausted all mothers are. Yes, try doing it without all the help you must have, my darling. They call up Sofia Vergara, and she looks like Sofia Vergara and I would say more about that, but Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner just pecked on another on the cheek and we all have to just deal with that.
4:34 p.m: Marion Cotillard won’t touch Giuliana because she claims she is sick, but maybe she doesn’t want to deal with her. Think about it. Her hair is a cute little bob now, and she’s in — of course — Dior. Ben relieves Marion and says hello to his kids…in the correct camera, which G then tells him is the wrong camera. G not knowing which camera they’re on right now is about par for the course for this evening’s events. “So, George Clooney was a producer on Argo,” G says, BECAUSE G IS OBSESSED WITH CLOONEY, and Ben is all, “he still is, as far as I know.”
4:37 p.m: I can’t believe they made NICOLE FREAKING KIDMAN talk to INTERN ROSS.
4:39 p.m: Ross cuts Kidman off to throw to G to cut to commercial and Kidman calls him on it, which is kind of great. Someone in the background is still screaming like she’s being stabbed with a high heel. It might just be because Timberlake has arrived, seemingly SANS BIEL, despite G’s breathless protestations earlier that they were coming together.
4:42 p.m.: I think Freida Pinto is wearing the dress that Jennifer Lawrence wore this year; J Gar is wearing gold. I am ignoring Chris Tucker teaching Ross to sing. SHUT UP, ROSS. (I could not hold that in any longer.)
4:44 p.m. “A lot of people have been tweeting at our moment at the Globes,” G says to Hugh Jackman. That is not true, but he is as charming and gracious about it as ever, because he is the charming and gracious Hugh Jackman.
4:50 p.m.: Claire Danes can still rock the 90s lippie, in case you were wondering.
4:54 p.m: We wonder if Anne Hathaway is avoiding E! because she knows someone is going to ask her if she’s pregnant. After all, Ross did ask Mark Salling about his sexual battery lawsuit. Because they just ended the show, basically with Kelly FINALLY EXPLAINING TO G that dub-step is a genre of music. You know that was making Kelly tear her hair out wherever she was for the last hour where no one let her talk about anything and she was like locked in a closet somewhere. And that concludes our live-blog of what is possibly the worst red carpet E! has ever produced. Thanks for being here for it!