Superfug

Jonah Hill. Buddy. Take a seat. We’ve got to have a little chat.

Okay, dude. Listen. I’m only telling you this for your own good, and because while I have historically had issues with the characters you’ve played in the past, I really, really loved you in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, if only because Russell Brand was so freaking awesome in his scenes with you. But there are some things you must know. Namely: you look like you just rolled out of a sweaty three-day coke bender and it’s doing you no favors. Funny men can look sharp too, you know — witness Jon Stewart. And Stephen Colbert. Will Arnett nearly always looks fantastic. Neil Patrick Harris. Seth Rogan of late. Judd Apatow at this very event. The list is not a short one. I know you are a man of some heft (and I am of the belief that people should be of whatsoever heft they choose, so good for you), but the world is full of wealthy men with a wider circumference than your own and all of them manage to find shirts where the neck fits properly, so I am certain that you — or someone in your employ — is also capable of that. You could also then properly fasten your tie. Speaking of which, I must protest your brown suit/black tie combo. It somehow manages to make you look like an uncouth Sterling Cooper client whom Don Draper will eventually utterly shame in a totally smooth, suave, understated and AWESOME way whilst OWNING you in his meticulously-cut suit and clean-shaven neck. Do you REALLY want to be traipsing around town looking like someone who’s just waiting to receive a brutal dressing down for crass uncouthness? Just wondering. Because you really could look so much better. Consider it, please. For all of us. For humanity.

PS: IF I SEE THOSE SHOES ONE MORE TIME THEY’RE GOING IN THE FIRE.