I wonder if one of Diane’s “Fashion Pet Peeves” is when Allure makes her look like a fem-bot on their cover. Albeit a fem-bot with great bone structure.
Fug File: Allure
Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson
I’m beginning to think that Jessica Simpson is actually physically incapable of closing her mouth. Does she have some terrible affliction which People magazine has not yet uncovered, such as a freakishly enlarged tongue, or a secretly enormous uvula, requiring a constant supply of fresh oxygen? It’s the only explanation I can think of.
Fug file: Fug The Cover, Allure, ENOUGH ALREADY, Jessica Simpson
Fug the Cover: Amy Adams
While I DO want to love my hair — I seriously considered buying the $140 shampoo discussed in this month’s Lucky until I realized that might be a little bit crazy considering that I am not actually J. Lo – and as much as I fully plan to read about women who sleep with their stylists, never having had a stylist who was intrigued even vaguely by my gender, I seriously have to wonder what happened to the story that Allure‘s cover photo is clearly advertising. I believe it was originally called, “Conjuncti-VITAL! You CAN Pull Off The Pink Eyeshadow Trend!” Could they have possibly realized that was a bald-faced lie? And if so, does that mean the rest of the cover lines are pure honest truth and I can therefore eat like seven of those no-guilt desserts? Sign me up!
Fug file: Fug The Cover, Allure, makeup mishaps, Oh honey NO, Amy Adams
NYFug.com: For Celebs, Some Perspective On Their Problems
Biel, Biel, Biel. In the June issue of Allure, Justin Timberlake’s boring half came out and became yet ANOTHER celebrity to bemoan the crushing agony of being so very, very good-looking. We’re sure Derek Zoolander would be astounded to hear Jessica Biel counts this as a negative, and yet, she insists that having divine DNA is wounding her career. Waaaah:
Any publicist worth the fee could have predicted the ensuing Internet
firestorm from unsympathetic readers who are pretty sure that is not an
actual tragic problem (sample comment:
“Can I throw up now? Boo-freaking-hoo!”). Critics who bewail that
Hollywood is out of touch with the heartland generally get dismissed as
uptight buzzkills, but they have a point: More often than not, celebs’
attempts at proving they’re relatably “real” backfire massively because
they don’t actually know what reality is anymore.
To join us in entreating Biel and other sad delicate flowers to PLEASE GET A GRIP, click on over to read the rest of the column.
Fug the Cover: Isla Fisher
This is an AMAZING cover….for 1987. Which reminds me, I am totally late for social studies! I knew taking those last ten minutes to write a letter to the cast of 21 Jump Street wasn’t a good use of my time. WHEN am I going to have time to read about how to order a steak? I’LL NEVER FIGURE THAT OUT ON MY OWN.
Fug file: Fug The Cover, Allure
@lzbtheiae 
Fug the Cover: Blake Lively on Allure
Dear Allure:
I have a lot of thoughts about this cover. They might get screechy. May I number them? Okay then:
1) No begrudging Blake’s genetic blessings, but come on: Everyone in the world is sick of reading about celebrities who insist all the skinny and the beauty and the perfection come so easily to them.
2) You are even ADMITTING as much with that parenthetical underneath the cover line, as if to say, “Isn’t that SUPER ANNOYING? But really, she’s nice,” in the same way somebody trying to set up a friend on a blind date might say, “Jimmy chews with his mouth open sometimes, but really, he’s super sweet and a great friend.”
3) It’s really uninspiring to your readers — who, because they are gobbling up your recommended products that make their hair and skin better, presumably DO have to try — to read about people who apparently DON’T EVER have to try. It doesn’t even matter what the story itself actually says; you’re already undercutting it with that choice of cover line.
4) This one might be among the most important: There is NO WAY that is the most interesting thing about Blake Lively, who is from a quasi-showbiz family (her sister is Teen Witch!) and went from Traveling Pants to Chanel in a hella fast period of time and has launched a movie career for herself in which she’s largely well-reviewed. So it seems strange to hope people will buy your magazine by reducing her to the single most annoying celebrity stereotype short of, “I stay fit just by running around after my kids.” A story that listed only the hair products she uses would be more apt to get me to pick up this issue.
5) I think the sans serif font you’re using for some of those cover lines makes Allure look kind of cheap, and also, super wordy — if you’re stamping stuff all over Blake’s MILLIONAIRE HAIR, then at least make the text look nice (I don’t know why I hate it so much but I clearly do).
6) Although Blake herself looks nice and natural, you managed to pick a photo in which her eyes seem a little glazed, in a frightened or shocked way. Imagine if you were at lunch with her, and you announced, “I’m shaving my head, becoming a Scientologist, eating only food that has been cooked by the flame of a burning pile of tires, tattooing John Mayer’s face on my chest so that my nipples are his eyes, and then going back to school to become a professional gun cleaner, AND I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.” You would see this expression on Blake’s face as she listened and nodded and tried to remain impassive while swallowing rising panic as she privately wondered, “Are we good enough friends for me to tell her that this plan is INSANE, or do I just have to nod and support her and then get the hell out of here and text somebody about this?”
7) Unfortunately, people who are not a weird as I am might interpret that look as, “What? You actually DO have to watch what you eat and work out and stuff? Dear God, are you a PEASANT or something?” and that does neither her nor you any favors.
8 ) Her makeup and eyebrows look great. What? I decided to end on a positive.
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