My horoscope today indicates that I’m going to be indecisive about things, and it’s already coming true.
I can’t decide if Jena Malone is the second coming of Lori Petty, or auditioning for a Sinead O’Connor biopic.
Fug File: child stars
Well Played, Dakota Fanning
Dakota Fanning is 14 now, which means that we’re probably about six months away from a crack pipe tumbling out of her purse, a photo shoot in which she dresses up like Jessica Rabbit, and an accompanying interview with copious f-bombs and the announcement that she really digs Goldschlager.
Hell, never mind — by this industry’s standards, we’re actually probably six months OVERDUE for all that. It’s so refreshing to see her looking like a nice young girl.
She’s adorable. Seriously, Ali Lohan is only two or three months older than Dakota, yet she looks like she’s Lindsay’s 32-year old sister. I once saw a photo of that kid at age 13 at a beach party, standing next to her “mother” in full makeup and a bikini so small you could roll it up and hide it in your nostril. When I was that age, I wore t-shirts over my bathing suits if I thought there was even a SLIGHT chance I’d be swimming around boys. It’s just… I can’t relate.
So three cheers for Dakota Fanning. I don’t care if she’s an old soul or secretly still playing My Little Pony in her room at night when her parents think she’s sleeping. I want to hug her and reassure her that nightclubs aren’t even really
very fun, that liquor before beer only theoretically keeps you in the
clear, and that her skin will thank her for resisting the urge to rage.
Hip, hip, hooray.
Fug file: Well Played, child stars
Fuga Malone
Coming soon to a stage near you:
Jena Malone IS Little Orphan Velma, the plucky girl whose passion for jazz and betting her bottom dollar prompt her to poison the proprietress of her Chicago orphanage and convert it into a casino/nightclub. Follow her as she serves prison time for sneaking into the White House to leave a demo tape with the president and “accidentally” murders his housekeeper! Root for her when her fellow orphans testify against her on the stand! Weep with relief when a wealthy billionaire springs her from the pokey in exchange for agreeing to live in his guest bedroom and tap-dance on his back patio three times a week! Co-starring Donald Trump.
Fug file: Fugs, child stars, costumey, Jena Malone
Fugga von Fug
I know that, instead of a treatise on the stumpifying, frumpifying effects of exactly the wrong dress, what you’ve REALLY all been hankering for is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad pun. And I am nothing if not made of cheese. So behold:
Jenna von Oy? Jenna von oy.
There. Just throw me in a pan and grill me until golden brown.
Fug file: Uncategorized, child stars, dumpy sacks, frumpathon, people we don't see out much, stumpification
Spy Fugs
Oh my god, Alexa Vega, NO:
The reader who kindly alerted us to this little piece of lunacy noted rightly that it looks as though shetook a wee little sparkly bodysuit — like something that would be sold in a store frequented by pageant moms — and snipped through the crotch so as to make it a shirt. I don’t even have words for how very wrong this is. I know she’s 20 years old now, and she’s certainly turned into a lovely girl, and I’m sure part of her motivation in wearing this is to remind us that she’s a grown-up now and all, but the part where it all goes terribly wrong is that an actual grown-up would never wear a doctored red astroturf child-size bodysuit as a top.
Fug file: Uncategorized, child stars, Oh honey NO, Alexa Vega
@wondertwinA Depends -- are you Vanessa Hudgens?
Well Played Shout-Out: Dakota Fanning
So, it’s Friday, and I don’t know about you, but all the current economic doom and gloom is about to give me an ulcer. When I woke up to NPR this morning, the first thing I heard — LITERALLY, I am not making this up — was someone yelping, “THE ECONOMY IS BROKEN.” REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. Thanks for that CONSTRUCTIVE TAKE ON THINGS. So yes: the economy is broken, we’re all worried about our bank balances, it is stressing everyone out and rightly so. That being said, would it not be nice to take a moment and reflect on something delightful in these dark days? I nominate Dakota Fanning, who is growing up into the cutest teenager ever: I just love this:
I want this. Sure, I’m twice her age, but I think I could pull it off. Maybe. But be that as it may, I think she looks mature but not tacky or trashy or overly-made up or trying too hard, without being boring. She just looks adorable and appropriate without being twee or super trendy or desperate for attention. Which is not unusual for her, actually:
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