Fug File: Fug Madness 2011

Fug Madness Round Two, Madonna Bracket

Mar 21, 2011 By Jessica AT 12:00 pm

(3) LEONA LEWIS vs. (6) FLORENCE WELCH

Since we saw a lot of Leona’s CRAZED and CRACKED OUT Out and About looks in her last game, let’s take a look at her on stage for this one:

That’s like what would happen if she somehow got cast in a gender-bending version of Phantom of the Opera. Which, now that I’ve thought of this, I NEED it to happen. Bieber can be Christine! He seems like the sort to get dragged down to someone’s basement/lake lair and secretly kind of like it.

This is what she’d wear if…I was going to say, “she got cast in a musical about 80s hair metal,” but I guess the real end of that sentence is, “if she ends up in Rock of Ages.”

LOOK!

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Fug Madness, Round Two: Charo Bracket

Mar 21, 2011 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

(1) RIHANNA vs. (9) CARRIE UNDERWOOD

This one section of the bracket is apparently MUSICIAN v. MUSICIAN — so don’t forget to hum, or something, while you check out Rihanna and Carrie’s respective archives. (As you know, Fug Madness is a cumulative honor.)

Other than being singers, you wouldn’t think these woman had a ton in common. However! You might be surprised. At the very least, you might be surprised by how far I will go to make the argument that they have a ton in common. Um, they both like athletes? (My Dad was convinced throughout much of last year that if Matt Kemp didn’t pick up his hitting that Rihanna was going to break up with him, and he was right). Also, both ladies went for some tulle — or tulle-related something-or-other — at awards shows over the past year:

Although Rihanna looks way more NAKED than Carrie does, Carrie looks much more like she’d be likely to aggravate my seasonal allergies:

ACHOOO!

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Fug Madness 2011, Round Two: Bjork Bracket

Mar 21, 2011 By Heather AT 10:00 am

(3) KATIE HOLMES vs. (6) CHRISTINA AGUILERA

So, I watched Burlesque this weekend, and here are the big things about that movie:

  1. It’s not good at all, but it’s not bad ENOUGH to be fun, so it’s just… blah. Except for one scene which Kristen Bell HUGELY overacts, which is unintentionally hilarious, and also Stanley Tucci, although he’s good in everything;
  2. Christina is not Razzie-bad in it, and in fact, is not the worst thing about it;
  3. In fact, when she’s in her “no makeup” makeup and her Regular Girl wig, Christina looks kind of adorable; which means…
  4. This movie might be her Crossroads, in that years from now, we will look back at how cute and clean she COULD look and wonder how and why it all had to go so wrong.

And it DID go wrong. Specifically, it went here:

The HAIR. The MAKEUP. The EYEBROWS. There is a scene in Burlesque where Cher teaches Xtina how to apply makeup, and she’s all, “See? Beautiful,” and Xtina turns to the mirror and we all yelped, “WHAAAAT?” because she looked like such a painted hussy. It looked kind of like this. Also, is there PINK in her braid? I mean.

This is also spectacularly wrong:

Ain’t No Other Fug But You

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Fug Madness 2011: Round Two, Cher Bracket

Mar 21, 2011 By Jessica AT 9:00 am

HOUSEKEEPING: Are you still having issues with voting? Try commenting first and seeing if it helps. That being said, ALLEGEDLY the polls should be working fine right now, so cross your fingers!

(1) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (9) DIANE KRUGER

Taylor Momsen is two for two in having photos that need to be censored, or put under a jump so as to not offend.

Congratulations?

This time, for language:

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Fug Madness 2011: Day One Results

Mar 18, 2011 By Heather AT 2:00 pm

Well, day one of Round One is over, and I can think of one person who will not be thrilled with the results.

Lovers, you are about to get dumped.

Here are the results from Thursday, and previews of the Round Two matchups they’ve created, which will be played on Monday.

(1) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (9) DIANE KRUGER

Jessica Szohr needn’t have bothered: She only got three percent of the vote in a total rout by Taylor “Censored Vagina” Momsen. Diane Kruger faced off against Emma Watson, and despite a very dodgy run at the Harry Potter events this past summer, Emma couldn’t hold her own — Diane snagged a whopping 69 percent of the vote and now has to endure some time Monday having her name mentioned in the same sentence as Momsen’s. Sorry, Pacey.

(5) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (13) DREW BARRYMORE

To be honest, Drew was one of the last teams in, but she knocked off a strong four seed in Angelina Jolie without even blinking, 65 percent to 35 percent. She’ll face off against professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan, who delivered a stiletto to the groin of Katherine Heigl by snagging 74 percent of the vote.

(3) KATIE HOLMES vs. (6) CHRISTINA AGUILERA

This might be the first year EVER that Juliette Lewis has gone out in the first round. And it was close — only 118 votes separated her from Katie Holmes, but unfortunately for her (or for Katie?), Mrs. Cruise came out on top and will move on to face Ms. Burlesquilera. Xtina downed a very formidable Cheryl Cole, who was one of my dark-horse candidates to make a run at the Sweet Sixteen, with a very dominating 64 percent of the vote.

(2) NICKI MINAJ vs. (7) MIA WASIKOWSKA

So long, Lea Michele: She couldn’t even really compete with Mia, who snagged 78 percent of your votes. Likewise, Nicki Minaj had zero trouble with January Jones, capturing 88 percent of the vote.

(5) JULIANNE MOORE vs. (13) RYAN CABRERA

Well, it’s official: Ryan Cabrera is the Morehead State of Fug Madness. There are a lot of jokes to be made here, from clean ones about the size of his noggin, to filthy ones about his apartment being declared a West Coast campus of increased suck-to-blow action. None of them change the fact that J.Lo is about to put a bounty on his head, because — American Idol spoiler ahoy — not only did her Mini-Me get eliminated Thursday night, but she lost a Fug Madness vote to a total Nipsy McIck, 53 percent to 47 percent. For her part, Julianne sent Brad Pitt home to the kids. with a 58 percent to 42 percent victory.

(1) RIHANNA vs. (9) CARRIE UNDERWOOD

We really thought Ginnifer Goodwin was poised for a run, but sometimes, Carrie Underwood is a formidable opponent, and yesterday was one of those days: She downed Ginnifer by an almost 2/3 margin. Rihanna made fast work of Bryce Dallas Howard, booting her by snagging 82 percent of the vote.

(3) LEONA LEWIS vs. (6) FLORENCE WELCH

Florence sucked the lifeblood out of Kristen Stewart by a score of 69 percent to 31 percent; Leona scored a 2/3 majority over Tyra “Tyra” Banks. So we’ll get a matchup of Bare Midriff vs Sheer Skirts.

(2) MILEY CYRUS vs. (7) SWINTON

Well, he tried, but little Bieber couldn’t come of age against a woman whose name is always in all-caps in our hearts. SWINTON captured 67 percent of the vote, earning the chance to face off against someone who is — like Bieber, except for different reasons — her polar opposite. Ms. Miley dispensed with Cameron Diaz with a pretty cool near-unanimous 96 percent of the vote.

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Fug Madness 2011 Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part II

Mar 18, 2011 By Jessica AT 12:00 pm

(1) KATY PERRY v. (16) MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

“No, no! I MEANT to look like this!”

“What else could you possibly expect from a girl who wore WINGS on the Grammy carpet?”

“Or who popped out one night dressed like a Nutcracker? (PS, I’m also a nutcracker. ASK RUSSELL. HAHAHAHAH. I kid.)”

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