Fug File: Fug the Ad

Fug the Poster: The Big Wedding

May 1, 2013 By Heather AT 9:00 am
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This is the worst/best kind of movie poster, because it looks like a bare minimum of them were actually there at the same time and they all just got thrown together.

Topher Grace appears to be shooting at Katherine Heigl with an impotent finger gun while she beams at him with weirdly paternal pride, as if their subplot involves her adopting him for the tax benefits of having a dependent but he wants to bed her instead. Susan Sarandon looks like she’s delivering the barbaric yawp of Dead Poets Society fame because her wrist is exploding all over her white suit; Robert DeNiro looks like he was directed to act as if Robin Williams had just given him a wedgie; Robin Williams all, “Heh-heh, I gave DeNiro a wedgie”; and Diane Keaton just seems to be wondering when the check will clear because her mortgage is coming due. Amanda Seyfried and Ben Barnes are clearly thinking, “Please promise us you won’t go see this,” which leaves poor Christine Ebersole up there in the left corner, who is all, “Why the hell am I being dragged into this? My name isn’t even on the top of the damn poster.” It is a hot mess. Translation: I’ll be watching it on a plane sometime in 2014.

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Letter of Truth: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH MY AD

Oct 11, 2012 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

Hey y’all,

Y’all. You KNOW I am really busy with the X-Files when you see the ad for my new perfume which is a mix of my two other perfumes or my perfume and someone else’s perfume or…okay, listen, I don’t really know what I’m selling. BUT LOOK AT IT. I would like to testify that I had nothing nothing nothing to do with anything that had anything to do with this:

Who wants to buy a perfume that turns your hair brown and makes you all impervious to gravity OR one that MAKES FEATHERS COME OUT OF YOUR ARMPITS?? That seems like a TERRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN. Y’all, I know everyone on my “team” thinks I’m secretly kinda dumb but even I know that no one wants to buy something that turns you into a bird.

Everyone’s fired. Seriously, all y’all. Fired. GET OUT.

Love,

BRITNEY.

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Fug the Poster: Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

Oct 3, 2012 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

In which we learn it’s impossible to take a picture of three people running toward camera without them looking super weird and awkward. But not as super weird and awkward as a poster of Kristen Stewart and R Pattz canoodling given the uncertainty of their Epic Love, so CONGRATULATIONS, Lionsgate and Summit! PS: I have NO IDEA who that dude is behind R Pattz, and I’ve seen all the movies. He looks vaguely like Colin Farrell, so I’ve decided that some time last summer, Colin Farrell and Michael Sheen got wicked drunk together and Sheen convinced Farrell to take a minor yet pivotal role in the final Twilight movie, and his part as  — from what I can tell from his costume — a feral Seattle DJ really just took on a life of its own. I mean, listen: they have about twenty minutes of book-action left to cover in this movie, so you know they had to make up about 75% of the plot. Why NOT Colin Farrell as DJ Chaz MountainMan, a wily human who totally seduces Edward with his smooth mash-ups of olde timey 1930s love songs and the latest house music?

Or, you know, maybe it’s Jackson Rathbone and his wig is just REALLY EXTRA TERRIBLE in this one. Either works for me.

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Fug or Fab the Poster and the Leads: Total Recall

Jul 16, 2012 By Heather AT 8:00 am
Total Recall
Biel and BeckinsaleColin FarrellColin FarrellColin Farrell
7 photos in gallery

Until a reader e-mailed us about this poster, I had approximately zero recall that this remake even existed. The poster makes it look like Underworld: Battleship Stealth. And I can only pray that in this movie, like Stealth, Jessica Biel is also in a love triangle with a man and a piece of sentient machinery.

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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Fug or Fab the Ad: Kristen Stewart

Jul 3, 2012 By Jessica AT 12:00 pm

Here are my feelings: I like everything about this but her face. And her stance. And I suppose her hands in her pockets. And the fact that we have totally seen that dress like seven hundred times already. So…I like everything about it but how Kristen Stewart actually looks.  Which is kind of a problem, I guess.

What do you think?

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Fug the Poster: What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Apr 24, 2012 By Jessica AT 2:00 pm

I have  a lot to say about this movie. A LOT.

First, it’s ridiculous that they’re making a fictional movie about a book like What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Seriously, WHAT NEXT? An adaptation of The Mayo Clinic Health Book, where everyone DIES at the end? A thrilling movie based on The Vegetable Gardener’s Bible?  A moving rom-com version of The Secret? (Actually, that one kind of makes sense.) THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS IN THAT BOOK. THAT BOOK IS ABOUT WHAT VEGETABLE YOUR FETUS MOST RESEMBLES IN SIZE. And before you pronounce me a baby-hater: au contraire, friend. I LOVE me some babies. No one is more excited about your pending joyous arrival than I am! No one is more excited to chat up your belly and buy you diaper cream and talk about baby names and change your baby’s diapers and smell their sweet little heads than I am. BABY IT UP. But this is absurd. Leaving aside the fact that the trailer makes me want to kill someone — in short, it’s all Womenz Be Crazy, Men Let Their Babies Eat Cigarette Butts — they SERIOUSLY couldn’t manage to get all these women in the room at the same time for the benefit of this poster? Hola Lovers over there is a shot lifted from outtakes of Maid in Manhattan. Anna Kendrick’s head just got cut out of a scene from Twilight and zapped into someone else’s not-actually-pregnant body, which was then, like, zapped through that window and forced to cower behind a sofa. Elizabeth Banks is currently plotting the bloody gruesome death of whoever approved that  particular shot of her, and I don’t even know who that IS behind Cameron Diaz back there. And my WHOLE JOB is about identifying celebrities by seeing the side of their heads while they run past me at Fashion Week! Leaving aside that one time Heather and I thought we saw Gwyneth Paltrow and it turned out to be a dude, I AM SKILLED AT THIS VERY SPECIFIC THING. And yet I have NO IDEA who that is. Brooklyn Decker? Brooklyn, you need to call someone and talk about this. In fact, everyone needs to call everyone and talk about ALL OF THIS because I have never seen a poster where clearly every single woman was Photoshopped in from something else and that is counting everything that Sex and the City ever touched. (PS: I kind of miss you, Carrie Bradshaw.) STOP THE MADNESS, WHAT TO EXPECT, YOU’RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT.

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