It took Shania Twain coming back on the scene to make me realize how much I missed her. Not musically, necessarily — although the woman who penned the lyrics ““My panty line shows / Got a run in my hose / My hair went flat / Man, I hate that / Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse / I realized I forgot my purse. With all this stress I must confess / this could be worse than PMS” desperately does need to write a song with her esteemed countryman Bryan “Have You Ever Really, Really Really REALLY, Like REALLY, For Realsies Really Really Loved A Woman?” Adams — but rather, fashion-wise. Did you remember how wackadoo Early Shania was? She’s totally the precursor to Carrie Underwood’s coat-capes and Rihanna’s… Rihannaness. Take a walk down memory lane with me. Bring Advil.
Fug File: Fugstory
You may be thinking, “Wait, Leelee Sobiewhatski? Do I care?” So I encourage you to think back. Not, like, Jungle 2 Jungle back, but perhaps to Deep Impact, which has the distinction of being a worse asteroid movie than Armageddon (which is saying a lot, as the latter includes a diagnosis of SPACE DEMENTIA). Or to Eyes Wide Shut, where Leelee seemed to talk without actually opening her mouth. Or to Never Been Kissed, which I unsecretly hate because Drew Barrymore’s character is SO AWFUL and EMBARRASSING, and shoots SO FAR past adorably nerdy to painfully socially impaired, that the mere fact that Michael Vartan would find her intriguing instantly invalidates him as a human being; or, famously, to Here On Earth, the teen angstfest involving a love triangle between — get ready — Sobieski, Josh Hartnett (!), and Chris Klein (!!). If you had placed a bet back in 2000 on which of those people you would see the most in 2011, you’d probably have picked one of the guys, right? Me too. Color me surprised that they are off being lemon farmers, or whatever, while she is back on the circuit and getting Baby Joy love from the tabloids.
All of which is to say: By now, you are maybe kind of curious about what became of ol’ Leelee over the years. As was I. And there are few things that scratch an itch as well as a dig through some photo archives. Behold.
With Water For Elephants coming out, and the fact that I watch Cruel Intentions pretty much any time I find it airing on cable, I decided it might be fun to do a look back at Reese Witherspoon’s fashion through the ages. Whenever anyone asks me who I think is one of Hollywood’s best-dressed celebs, I name-check Reese, because I’ve always found she has an endless supply of really cute cocktail and day dresses that are a lot more relateable to me than red-carpet gowns. This slideshow MIGHT have me re-thinking that… but, not entirely, because she nails it more consistently than she doesn’t. However, there are certainly some doesn’t‘s in here, beginning with a lot of what she wore when she was coming to fame, and then some stuff in the middle I had completely forgotten existed.
Do you think Reese has forgotten any of them? Or do you think she woke up recently and rolled over and poked Jim Toth in the back and said, “Dude, this one time? I looked like a refugee from the Singles auditions. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?” At which point he was probably all, “I could get Singles II greenlit for you,” and across town someone at Us Weekly sat up straight as an arrow in bed and began casting it with Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Biel, Renee Zellweger, and, like, Ashley Greene.