First of all, I enjoy how few headlines are on this cover — this is their “art” issue, so it’s nice that they let the image here take front and center without splashing, “I HATE DIETS” all over J Law’s face (as this is apparently the interview where she noted that anyone who tells her to go on a diet for work can go fuck themselves). It’s nice to just get to look at her face (and her eyebrows, which are fantastic). It’s like a spa for your eyes.
Fug File: Harper's Bazaar
I love seeing what international magazines are doing with their covers. I live close to a huge newsstand, and sometimes when I walk past it on the way to eat fried chicken sandwiches at the place down the street with the good fried chicken sandwiches, I end up standing there for nigh on twenty minutes, just looking at Russian Elle or Japanese Vogue or Brazilian Harper’s Bazaar. Our Posh landed TWO September covers, one on Australian Vogue and the other one Harper’s Bazaar Singapore, and she was on the cover of Vogue China. Behold!
I’m beginning with the U.S. Harper’s Bazaar subscriber cover, because it reminds me of what she wore to the Met Ball, looking like the sauciest ornamental footman in the world. Isn’t this arresting? I wish they had the guts to make this the newsstand version, to separate itself from every other tousled, tooth-whitened cover out there. Alas.
Okay. Here’s the thing. This cover isn’t terrible, at all — although all the red doesn’t seem very August-y (Augustian?) — except for one giant neon problem. And I’m not even talking about the endless parade of celebrities wearing formal granny panties on every magazine cover in the world. Would you be able to identify this woman if she, say, ran you over with her car and then fled the scene? Because I could not. I would be all, “officer, I’ve never seen her before in my life! She was very pretty. 40ish. She kind of looked like Cheryl Cole?” and that would be it. I don’t know if it’s Photoshop, this rather awkward angle, or her newly lightened hair (which I actually quite like), but lady doesn’t look much like Sofia Vergara — as pretty as she is.
Well, I like the soft makeup, and her eyes look pretty.
But here’s the thing: I’ve spent my fair share of time in windy climates. And so this picture conjures two very specific things, which are hugely visceral for me: 1) The moment when your hair blows at your lips and sticks to your gloss, and you have to peel it off but the strands remain sticky, and 2) The moment when your hair blows at your lips and it takes you by surprise, and you take in a deep breath and suck some into your mouth and it actually manages to stay there and end up lodged in your throat, something that usually only a piece of bread can cure for me, which makes for a really unpleasant experience when this happens on the way to class in college and you have an hour and fifteen minutes of gagging hacking before you can seek relief.
Ergo, the concept of this photo doesn’t exactly give me the warm and fuzzies; rather, the sticky-and-ickies. But I admit that’s highly personal, and thus, it’s time for you to provide sanity.