May of you may be familiar with these photos already, but we certainly can’t let a little something like “the weekend” distract us from a good old-fashioned bout of WTF whiplash.
So. Here is Sofia, wandering around the set of Modern Family on her way to her car, sporting an outfit that really should incite a roiling “tights are not pants” rant, in which I would then share the story of the time I was shopping for a cheap wig at Aah’s and saw a girl wearing nylons as pants. She wasn’t trying on costumes, wasn’t doing anything transitional, just… wearing naught but L’eggs on her legs, white cotton crotch pad flapping in the breeze.
Well, let me tell you, my kingdom for a white cotton crotch pad:
This dress may be my worst nightmare since that time I dreamed Tori Spelling was president.
Although that dream ended up sort of entertaining — she hired Shannen Doherty to be her Secretary of Defense, and frankly, what with how I think all politicians are might be secretly (or openly) insane these days, Tori Spelling might actually be a breath of fresh air. And then we can have Dean McDermott, the First Husband, popping by Nate Berkus’s show and Dr. Oz and whatnot explaining all about his vegetable garden and how much he values colon health. It’s a bad sign for this dress that I can turn President Spelling into a fun idea, but I can’t turn it into anything I like. Every adjective that runs through my head has a scatalogical bent. It’s like I’m looking through a kaleidoscope trained inside somebody’s large intestine, and found a tiny race of waste-based life forms who are throwing a key party.
Oftentimes, a celebrity will make an appearance next to his or her brand-spanking-new waxwork. But it can’t be a coincidence that Brad Pitt didn’t show up for this one, which just debuted at the Musée Grévin in France. Somebody must have tipped him off that it’s a hot mess. No, not even a hot mess. It’s a smoking ruin of a mess. It’s a crater on the face of Planet What?!? It is this:
Is Brad Pitt that tired? Is Brad Pitt that crinkly? Is Brad Pitt secretly on the business end of a week-long crack bender, fueled by ouzo and occasional shots of actual gasoline? Is Brad Pitt that… gasp… OLD?
It goes without saying: I also miss her old face. She sort of looks like she decided to borrow this one from LaToya Jackson.
She may have also borrowed….well, what is she wearing? It looks like something you’d make in the beading aisle of Michaels for a cocktail party. After you’d been trapped in that particular Michaels for five years because that was the only place in town that you were safe from the zombies — zombies being notoriously scared of hot glue guns — and the cocktail party was happening over where they kept the plastic champagne glasses, and the cocktails were made of turpentine and the hors d’oeuvres consisted solely of those Styrofoam balls of varying circumference and you were all OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MINDS.