Fug File: Lucky

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Nov 3, 2011 By Jessica AT 9:00 am

Let me guess: HOW GAINING WEIGHT MADE HER HAPPIER does not include the actual REASON Jessica Simpson has gained a ton of weight lately, namely, that she is GESTATING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Which surely has made her happier, and is a very good reason to BE happy, but was certainly totally unmentioned in this interview. That always seems so very awkward for a magazine — and maybe, therefore, it’s a good rule of thumb to not run a cover line like, “how gaining weight made her happier” when you know that, based on photos and rumors from at least the last several months, THE HER in question might be cooking a bun in ye old oven. At least so as to avoid people rolling their eyes when they see the cover line.

THAT BEING SAID: I actually think J. Simp looks really pretty here. Yes, her hair — to filch a line from Heather — looks as though it’s been dropped on her head from above. That is one big-ass wig. But her makeup is pretty and natural and she looks NORMAL, rather than like a girl with a stuffed-up nose who just got hit on the back of the head with a brick, which is how she often looks in photos. With that, I can find no fault.

What do you think?

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Fug the Cover: Kim Kardashian

Oct 11, 2011 By Jessica AT 12:00 pm

And THIS, in case you’re wondering, is why I’m letting my Lucky subscription lapse.

Not only because Lucky is doing a whole article about how the Kardashians are awesome — which last time I checked, has NOTHING TO DO WITH SHOPPING (other than the fact that they let people film them doing that) — and because they decided to have collectible Kardashion covers, which is ridiculous, but also because the fact that Lucky NEVER used to do celebrity profiles was the whole reason Lucky was Lucky and not, like, Glamour. And, for what it’s worth, I actually think Glamour is REALLY GOOD lately. Every time it shows up at my door, I’m all, “I am too old to be reading Glamour. Why do I still get this?” and then I proceed to totally enjoy it and read the whole thing, like, standing up in my entry-way. But there IS a Glamour and Glamour is good and LUCKY ISN’T GLAMOUR except apparently now it is. It’s turned itself into a half-assed Glamour without the recipes for magical chicken, but with Kardashians dressed like a mermaids gone business casual and shilling their Sears line. That is not a good trade, you guys! LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.

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Well Played Cover: Christina Hendricks

Jul 19, 2011 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

Hallelujah.

Anyone who thinks this figure can’t be styled should shut their pieholes, because this dress fits it like a glove, without all the mammarial overflow that typically categorizes her missteps. A higher neckline isn’t any less sexy; simple clearly can be stunning. Her milkshake will still bring all the boys to the yard (and it will still put my milkshake to shame). I hope Christina Hendricks got the digits of the stylist for this cover shoot. And then maybe ordered one of these in green.

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Fug the Cover: Kate Bosworth

Dec 21, 2010 By Heather AT 10:00 am

Kate Bosworth apparently gave this issue of Lucky tips for instantaneous glowing skin. Tip number one is apparently, “Get Photoshopped.”

Between the schoolgirl look of the styling and the fact that 27-year old Kate appears to have had a decade wiped off her skin, I’m wondering if the new management at Lucky fancies turning it into Seventeen. Because aside from all that, there’s something bizarre happening to her face — the left side appears to be melting off, which evokes nothing to me so much as Old-School Joey Potter, and that reminds me that Kate used to be on the WB summer soap Young Americans (as a girl who fell in love with her maybe-brother). Which in turn reminds me that she co-starred with one Ian Somerhalder of The Vampire Diaries and Lost (who fell in love with The L Word‘s Katherine Moenning, whose character was pretending to be a boy, and who thus made Mr. Damon Salvatore think he was gay for several episodes), and then up come the memories of Michelle Monaghan on that show — she was a cardboard Liv Tyler at the time; still is, actually — and then Wikipedia tells me we also had Matt Czurchy of Gilmore Girls and The Good Wife, and so as it turns out that terrible, achingly awful eight-episode show was secretly a breeding ground for name actors. [And get this: Young Americans was created by none other than Steven Antin, who is not only a brother to Robin Antin (of Pussycat Dolls fame) and hairstylist Jonathan Antin (Blow Out) but who went on to direct a little movie you might've heard of called Burlesque. All of which only tells me that Young Americans could have been simultaneously SO MUCH WORSE and SO MUCH BETTER.]

None of which will make Kate feel any better about this cover, because not only does she look like this copy of the magazine was left on top of a working microwave, but now we’ve all remembered her dirty little acting past on a network whose mascot was a frog in a top hat. Sorry, Kate. Maybe next time don’t let them make you tip your head unless you get photo approval.

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Fug or Fab The Cover: Jessica Simpson

Aug 10, 2010 By Heather AT 11:00 am

My feelings about Jessica Simpson are so odd. First I was neutral, then I kind of couldn’t believe she got so famous, then I wanted her to go away, and then everything went wonkus on her and now the more she struggles the more I think, “I like her. No, I LOVE HER NOW. I AM HER BIGGEST FAN.” Is it because America loves an underdog, and somehow she kind of became one? Or is it because I feel like she needs someone in her corner who isn’t going to talk about her weight, or who would totally take away her cell phone if she started Tweeting to/about John Mayer or Tony Romo ever again? I don’t know. The human emotional spectrum is complex, especially when it comes to celebrities you’ve never met, don’t want to meet particularly, and know of only from what you see in the media and various scurrilous rumors from friends who see them around town and/or have worked with someone who once dated a PA on that thing she did that time.

Anyway: onto Lucky.

I like the styling here. It’s very casual, like Jessica just rolled in from taking her stallion on a trot around the paddock. Unfortunately, her face looks like she is either desperately fighting an allergy to horses, or that she boosted herself with one of their tranquilizers before the shoot and is fighting a losing battle to stay awake. Also, I wish I could see her left thumb; I keep thinking that hand is attached backward. Janice Dickinson, were she in a position to talk about anything publicly anymore, would have some notes. Loud ones that involved the words “mannequin claw” and “huffing.” 
Also, this cover so beautifully encapsulates the randomness of numbers in magazines. Do you think they have numerologists on staff who help them make those decisions? Like, “No, no, NO, if you put 983 big ideas, updates, and pieces you’ll love forever, YOUR OFFICE WILL CATCH ON FIRE and nobody born in winter will buy your magazine,” or, “When the planets are in a cross, the number 472,000 is the only way to save yourself from a really crappy traffic jam in the Hamptons.” Somewhere, there is probably a tale of a Cosmo editor who insisted upon 91 Squeeze Him And Please Him tips during the wrong phase of Mercury, and was never seen again.

poll by twiigs.com

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Fug The Cover: Lucky Magazine

Jul 21, 2010 By Heather AT 10:00 am

I don’t mind anything about what Ali Larter is wearing here. In fact, the styling is good. She makes me want that oufit; she looks cute, fresh-faced, fun…

… and as if somebody just took a tire iron to her knees after betting her ten grand she couldn’t take it without screaming. On the plus side, by the looks of things she’s ten grand richer. The minus? I keep expecting to see a cover line on ice packs, joint pain, and/or “Midol: Miracle or Myth?”
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