I was really confused for a second as to why Natalie Portman was popping up on a bunch of magazine covers this month, until I realized Thor 2: Mhor Thor is coming out in November instead of during the summer. Which means the Fug Gods will soon bless us with a bunch of her premiere dresses, so I’d best remember to find a candle with Karl Lagerfeld’s face on it and light it, and offer up the sacrifice of a peanut-butter sandwich, or whatever.
“She’s back — and sexier than ever.” Come on — are you Marie Claire, or Maxim Claire?
And unfortuntely, much like on UK Elle, Natalie looks joyless. This one is at least a smidgen less dead-eyed, but then again, the life in there looks more like she’s wearing those coffee-gold Twilight contact lenses that indicate she’s recently supped on the blood of an animal and will not need to take a hit off your jugular today. The standout WTF moment here, though, is clearly the outfit. I have no idea what’s happening. I don’t speak Crackball. I do suspect that massive piece of elastic is NOT all that sexy. As for the rest, it’s a great neck that devolves into the bastard offspring of the boozy orgy between a very horny, aggressive Infinite Dress, drunk on shandies, a houndstooth skirt that has just lost some weight and doesn’t know its own alcohol tolerance anymore, and a poncho that’s just happy to be invited.
Here’s a better shot from inside the issue: