Fug File: misguided facial hair

Run, Fugboy, Run

Mar 24, 2008 By Heather AT 12:31 pm


[Photos: Splash News]

THANDIE: WHAT did I say? What do I ALWAYS say?

SCHWIMMER: … I don’t know. Never do a guest-stint on ER?

THANDIE: No. You know very well what it was, but I want to hear it from you. What did I SPECIFICALLY tell you?

SCHWIM: Oh, fine, whatever. You told me to wash up and shave, and stop wearing my scarf like this with my shirt open and a giant coat, because it looks like I’m maybe naked, and blah blah blah.

THANDIE: You’re damn RIGHT that’s what I said. Look at yourself! You look like you’ve been on a bender since 2006.

SCHWIM: But why should I listen to you? If that type of lacy shorts thing didn’t work on Rihanna then it definitely wasn’t ever going to work on you. You’re old enough to play her MOTHER, for God’s sake.

THANDIE: What?!? Only on a soap where they rapidly age kids 15 years in two episodes, so WATCH IT, Ross. I was only trying to help you look less smelly. But if you imply I look anything less than fabulous at 35, I will drag you out of this dive bar and SO HELP ME JESUS I will beat some sense into you with a Norelco and some Pantene.

SCHWIM: Fine, fine. I’m sorry. Let’s make a pact. You check with me before you consider taking fashion tips from a book of funeral parlor wallpaper samples, and I’ll… you know, bathe, and stuff.

THANDIE: And the scarf with the open shirt?

SCHWIM: I’ll cool it, I promise. Is it really that bad?

THANDIE: Is mine?

SCHWIM: YES.

THANDIE: YES.

SCHWIM: Okay, then.

THANDIE: Now go get us a pitcher. And MAKE IT A PRICEY ONE.

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Fugtourage

Feb 21, 2008 By Jessica AT 12:30 pm

Dude, green IS gold. I am WITH you.  I totally recycle. I make the kids at the market pack my groceries in unbleached cotton bags and then get annoyed when they half-ass it and place my six-pack of organic spring water (read: Bud) on top of my delicate bananas (read: Doritos), and then feel like an asshole about it. I’ve replaced all my light bulbs with those other light bulbs that look sort of like DNA that Domino magazine told me to use unless I wanted the world to burst into flames. If I had a yard, I would TOTALLY be composting, because I am kind of obsessed with composting and think it’s fascinating. I am a full-on treehugger with you, man. But you know what else is gold? TUCKING IN YOUR SHIRT.

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Fugtourage

Feb 18, 2008 By Heather AT 10:22 am

I think it’s about time Adrian Grenier reconsidered the beard.


[Photo: Splash News]

I don’t know if it’s for Entourage, or something else, or if nobody told him that strike beards are so January 2008 because that whole thing is over. And I’m not an anti-beardite, I swear. Lots of splendid people have beards, like Santa, and my dry cleaner, and sometimes Judd Apatow. But the one-two wallop of bushy hair plus facial shrubbery give off a whiff of Adrian having been sequestered in a woodland cabin, scraping bark off the trees to make his own paper, foraging for berries to turn into homemade jam, and preparing for when the aliens come to get us by building a rocket-sidecar he can use to transport more people to the promised galaxy.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m sure that whoever is on the receiving end of bath soap made entirely out of leaves and spit will really appreciate the gift, and I bet Adrian needed the detox after hanging out with Paris Hilton so much. But it also might be a good time for him to rejoin civilization. It’s not worth missing Lost episodes just to become one with nature and make your own coasters out of fish heads.

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A History of Fug

Feb 5, 2008 By Jessica AT 12:25 pm

Why, why, why does Viggo Mortensen insist so violently on disturbing the sexy?

We have SEEN YOU, Viggo. We know that you are HOT. And when you are THAT HOT, it is really a crime to show up places looking like you just walked off the set of Not Without My Confederacy: The Jefferson Davis Story, now filming for Lifetime. We already take you seriously, dude. We saw that full frontal knife fight in Eastern Promises. We KNOW no one undergoes a full frontal KNIFE FIGHT unless they are a SERIOUS actor who cares more about the craft than about knives near important personal bits. So please, love, consider a wee bit of shampoo. All those Aragorn fantasies are about to hit their expire-by date. Don’t let yourself get left on the shelf!

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Fug House

Jan 24, 2008 By Jessica AT 12:19 pm

Okay, I know we haven’t talked about this yet, but we just HAVE to:

What is Stamos doing? I stopped watching ER, so maybe this is one of those A Character’s Downward Spiral Is Reflected In His Facial Hair beards, or perhaps he’s growing it so as to donate it to Beards For Bros, a charity I just invented which benefits college dudes who try desperately to grow facial hair but totally fail and instead lope around campus scratching their ill-seeded, patchy cheeks, wondering if their tragical bread configuration means something bad about their testosterone levels.

poll by twiigs.com…

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Fugly: Fully Loaded

Jun 20, 2005 By Heather AT 11:15 am

The last time I saw this kid, Justin Long, he was sitting in a bed watching Clean Britney Spears give him a giggly striptease before she losing her nerve and declining to fork over the sweet flower of her virginity. (Little did he know, circa Crossroads, what a limited-time offer Clean Britney’s vagina would be.)

Now, though, cute little nerdy Justin — a.k.a. The Nerd Whose Name I Can’t Remember from Ed, and Some Character Who Apparently Wanted to Cheerlead And Was, Shockingly, Also A Nerd, from Dodgeball — appears to have had his upper lip hijacked by a French Count desperate to bilk you of all your rent money or else tie you to the train tracks:


[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

If Jimmy Fallon or David Schwimmer ever needs somebody to play his brother in the touching, yet faintly caustic tale of a man who learns he was adopted and that his real family is a roving band of used-car salesmen — who sell jalopies by day and perform in the redneck band Uncle Grandma by night –then I think Justin Long and his patchy pubescent mustache will be a perfect fit.

But I have to wonder… is it the fate of all men Touched By The Spears, directly or indirectly, to grow reedy, pubic facial hair? Does Justin Timberlake have this to look forward to, or does she only do this to brunettes?

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