Sweet holy hellfire.
Put down the varnish, kid. YOU’RE NOT A TABLE.
Welcome to another future band name: Piper Perabo’s Deadly Shorts.
From the waist up, she’s Nellie Oleson; from waist to knee, she’s riding in the Tour de Pants, a grueling bike race in which athletes are asked to compete wearing the most awkward, ill-advised trousers imaginable. In the heat of summer it may take hours to peel those off, and once she does, well, may I present Ross from Friends and his pants paste as a cautionary tale. Advice: Just cut yourself out of them and call them disposable. You do not want Pants Paste to happen to you.
Okay, I’m sorry — I know Sarah Jessica Parker is just out picking up her daughter from school, but I can’t ignore this.
Lady, you are FORTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. Not four, nor eighty-four, which are about the only two ages when you can get a pass for wearing twee mid-shin socks with bright sandals — the former because you’re a toddler and the latter because you’re potentially senile. It’s like she’s trying so hard to be darling, because darling used to be her hallmark and she doesn’t want to outgrow it. But this isn’t darling; it’s just strange. It vaults her toward the demographic of Edna Who Brought That Neat Ambrosia Salad To Bridge That One Time.
Did anyone bring a speculum? Because she might as well get her annual, as long as everything is out and ready.
There are so many atrocities herein that my soul is currently in hiding. But to start, if I may reinvent a well-worn quote from Mean Girls:
STOP TRYING TO MAKE CROTCH HAPPEN. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
So, we’ve all heard by now — it was the giggle heard ’round the world — that J.Lo.Hew’s masterpiece of Kind Touchery, The Client List, is being made into a TV series. I have questions. How exactly is that going to work? Because in the movie (and I’m sure even if you haven’t seen it, this is not so much a spoiler as a mild WTF moment), it has a rosy ending wherein she gives up all the names of her clients in exchange for a reduced prison term for hooking, and then all the neighborhood wives ask her to give them sex tips through the use of fruit. BULL TRUE. So what is the series? Pretending none of that happened, and she’s still hooking? Pretending all of that DID happen, and the whole show is her giving booty seminars to harried housewives? Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does and also she actually totally liked it, and now there is demand that must be met with supply? What, is she an economist now? A Kind-Touching capitalist prostisseuse?
And is this the phase where she starts going Method? Because nothing screams “My touch is kind” like an animal-print genie jumpsuit. Or at least, I assume that’s what it is screaming. To be honest, and I am proud of this, I don’t speak Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit all that fluently — just maybe some conversational slang at best.
[Photo: Pacific Coast News]