Fug File: red

It feels like Cobie Smulders might be trying to fill the Gwynnie void at the Avengers events — granted, I think Gwyneth’s role amounts to a cameo, but she’s been nowhere near any of these premieres, and so Cobie is stepping in with some welcome drama.

I want to love this. And I don’t unreservedly hate it. But let’s start at the top: Though not awful, I can’t divorce the whole updo-with-jammed-on-headband from what I do with my hair when it’s just not cooperating and I just need to go buy groceries MY GOD, WHY CAN’T MY HAIR COOPERATE LONG ENOUGH FOR SOME DELI HAM, and so it’s tough for me to understand it on the red carpet. Are these headbands emergency measures? Was their a hairtastrophe I did not know about? Otherwise, why? It’s not even a particularly interesting headband. It looks like twine, and reminds me unfavorably of the time an elderly man with a string tied around his forehead tried to kiss me on Halloween after I beat him at billiards. We left that bar. I believe I was dressed as Hilary Duff, from back when she was feuding with people, though my memory cannot confirm this.

Point two: I think the bodice might be interesting, were it not potentially baggy at the boobal region.

Point three: The fishtail brings some drama, but would it have been better if that portion of the skirt was, in fact, the whole skirt? If it started at her waist and gave a graceful finish to this? Or should it all have stayed sleek?

Point four: Is that satin down there? Or velvet? Why does it look like really cheap Astroturf in this photo, like what Cee Lo Green would put in if he built a flag football stadium in his mansion yard?

and point five…