Sweet holy hellfire.
Put down the varnish, kid. YOU’RE NOT A TABLE.
It’s been a long time since we had to issue one of these, but SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. I haven’t seen an actor this orange since some poor dude had to put on an ACTUAL orange and gambol about the Orange Bowl
Yes, Intern George, your instincts are correct.
The bronzer is too much. You are the color of cinnamon butter. Which we could have TOLD YOU, if you’d just SHOW UP TO WORK SOMETIMES.
JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER: I am SUPER EXCITED about my new endorsement deal!
BONNIE WRIGHT: It’s clearly not for hairbrushes.
JCB: What’s that, most precious flower of my love? My sweet little satin-wrapped schoolteacher-looking tartlet?
BW: Oh, nothing! Nothing! What are you endorsing?
JCB: Duh! FAUX TAN. They’re calling it GRINDELGLOW! It’s the Bronzer Favored By Grindelwald!
BW: I don’t remember Grindelwald being described as tan in the book…
JCB: No! But don’t you think, while he was off nursing his wounds from breaking up with Dumbledore-slash-maybe accidentally murdering someone, he TOTALLY went bumming around, like, Ibiza and stuff?
BW: I…thought he was off plotting all kinds of nefarious stuff and raising an army for world domination and acting as a kind of proto-Voldemort?
JCB: You can TOTALLY do that poolside!
BW: Our marriage is going to be really entertaining.
ANNE HATHWAY: So, what’s the deal here?
VALENTINO: For the last time, I JUST LIKE TO BE TAN, ALL RIGHT? I WANT TO BE TAN. I WANT TO BE THE COLOR OF A BURNISHED COFFEE TABLE. I WANT TO BE THE COLOR OF A DELICIOUS MAPLE DANISH. I WANT –
ANNE: No. What’s the deal with this EVENT? I know about your tanning thing.
VALENTINO: Ah. Apologies. People are usually just so….
ANNE: I know.
VALENTINO: But yeah. I don’t know.
ANNE: What do you mean?
VALENTINO: What do YOU mean?
ANNE: Why am I dressed like this? I can’t tell what the hell the dress code was at this party.
VALENTINO: It’s called the The White Fairy Tale Love Ball.
ANNE: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Is it a ball celebrating fairytale love at which we are all supposed to wear white? Is it something called a “Tale Love Ball” for someone called the White Fairy, and if so, is she going to kill us all?
VALENTINO: I think that’s the White Witch.
ANNE: Well. That’s a relief. But if it’s a White….Love…Ball thing, why are some people wearing red?
VALENTINO: We are raising money for parks for underprivileged Russian children!
ANNE: So it’s….COMMUNIST?
VALENTINO: No! Red is for the HEART. I think. Also, I am famous for red dresses, and it’s my house, so…
ANNE: Okay. So you really have no idea what’s going on?
VALENTINO: Not really.
ANNE: And it MIGHT be weird that I’m wearing this thing on my head, and it might not be weird?
VALENTINO: Honestly, it probably is at least a little weird.
ANNE: …I just hope there’s an open bar.