This is not, I daresay, on the Hot Tamale Train.
It’s more like the Lukewarm Hot Pocket Train.
It is vital to note that I love Cassie Scerbo on Make It Or Break It. She is really funny, and also surprisingly sympathetic, considering that her character is kind of a….troubled friend, shall we say, being that she is given to sleeping with people’s boyfriends and whatnot. But, look, she has family problems. Her mom is a dead drug addict, and she is kind of strong-arming Candace Cameron into marrying Third Person Jimmy from Seinfeld (her dad), even though Candace Cameron is secretly in love with Cassie’s INSANELY HOT gymnastics coach (whose own dad is BELA KAROLYI, and who Cassie’s character Lauren sort of totally on purpose implicated as having an affair with one of the teammates, although HE WOULD NEVER). That show is so good. Rumor has it, ABC Family may not renew it, which would be a major shame. It is also vital to note that maybe Cassie has taken these rumors of cancellation really seriously, because I think she is in mourning.
It fell to Kaley Cuoco to host the Teen Choice Awards, and in the grand tradition of emcees everywhere, she wore several different outfits. Tragically, as I did not watch the Teen Choice Awards because I am old and crotchety and also I had to keep up with Big Brother, I have no idea what the heck was going on for most of these. Yes, that’s right, I’m brazenly Fugging Without Context. Don’t try this at home.
I’ve said it before, and I will repeat it, as I fear none of my own echoes: I don’t know if Taylor Swift ACTUALLY wears the same thing all the time, but if I keep FEELING like she does, isn’t that almost as bad?
I mean, this in particular looks ripped from, like, a wedding on Teen Moms or something. I hate how the bodice reminds me of a bathing suit, the way it is gathering near her boobs. But overall it’s just sort of… I saw it and said, “Oh, yes, of course.” Now, I recognize this is a tough row to hoe for Taylor here, because if she throws over her usual style in favor of, say, Rihanna’s, we will of course fug the hell out of it and wonder whether she left her sanity in a jar at Jake Gyllenhaal’s house. But there is ever so much acreage between samey-samey and Rihanna. In fact, there is acreage on all sides. She could Emma Stone it up, or go full Mila Kunis. She doesn’t have to wear a string bikini and dance 90-percent-nude down the streets of Barbados. She just needs to wake it up a little, that’s all. And then probably write a song called, “Doughy Pasty Blog Ho (Your Forehead Is My Washboard).” But that’s fine. I will take that bullet — although mostly because now I kind of want to hear that song.
It sort of amazes me that Cameron Diaz is still winning stuff at the Teen Choice Awards — this year, Best Actress in a Comedy for Bad Teacher. I have thoughts:
a) Reviewers seem to dispute that Bad Teacher was, in fact, comedic;
b) Really? She was better in a semi-loathsome role than ANYONE female in ANYTHING ELSE FUNNY this year? Bridesmaids, anyone?
c) Hang on: The other nominees were Eva Mendes in The Other Guys, which came out an eternity ago (or so it feels), to the point where I can’t even remember hearing about anything funny she did in that; Anna Faris in Take Me Home Tonight (what?); and Maya Rudolph (who didn’t have much to do) and K.Wiig. I had big issues with Wiigsy’s character in Bridesmaids, but for the driving scene alone in the last act, she should’ve had this in the bag.
d) But seriously, WERE THOSE THE BEST NOMINEES ANYONE COULD OFFER THIS YEAR? Wow. That makes me want to cry over both some spilled milk, AND some milk that is still safely in its carton. Somebody needs to hire some women for some comedies, stat, before next year’s comedic nominees are, like, Kristen Stewart in Twilight: Breaking Water, and Kate Winslet in something where Kate Winslet gets naked and cries a lot.
e) Also Bad Teacher was R-rated, meaning that if your teen chose it in ANY capacity, there’s a 50-50 chance your teen is in huge trouble tonight.
f) OR Cammy won because all those tabloids ran the same photo of her in short-shorts running a hose over herself, both in general and in every article about Justin Timberlake’s lovelife.
g) I mean, I guess she could have been good. I don’t know. But I have a hard time believing she was better than… well, okay, at least Wiig and Rudolph.
However, there is a silver lining:
Hair: brushed. Shoes: cool. Outfit: not joined at the crotch, and thus, not a romper. It’s like she’s working off a GFY checklist.
I don’t know about you, but this is really jazzing me up for the new season of Two and a Half Hobos.