I was sure it would be Simon Cowell’s defection that made me quit American Idol, but as it turns out, I abandoned the show this season due to the prospect of never seeing this again, or this, or THIS, and also this, and oh my GOD, Paula, you are an American treasure.
Fug File: Tony Awards
So it is with both a heavy heart and a proud pang that I applaud you for this:
Paula, Paula, Paula. I miss how you often look like the Artful Dodger in a Vegas production of Oliver!, but I am happy that you’re otherwise well. So this is in your usual ball gown vein of tight bodice + fishtail hem + orange skin. So what? Maybe this is just coming from how I miss your once-infuriating nonsensical patter, but I think you’re pulling this off with aplomb. APLOMB, Paula. You earned every bit of that silent B. Now go shove it up the Simon Fuller’s product-placed Ford tailpipe.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Well. Now I understand how Tom feels.
KATIE HOLMES: Oh, aren’t you kind.
DANIEL: No, I don’t mean, “I feel lucky,” I mean, “I feel tiny.”
KATIE: Oh. Well. Tom is only tiny in stature. He is mighty in–
DANIEL: Mighty in blindness, I’ll tell you that much.
KATIE: Excuse me?
DANIEL: The guy lives his life at eye-level with your chest, and he didn’t stop you from wearing that? You’re going to have bruised cleavage by the time you get home.
KATIE: Oh, well… he did say SOMETHING when I left, but I couldn’t hear him. His mouth is so far away from my ears, you know. Usually he stands on the couch.
DANIEL: I shall try that next time.
KATIE: Don’t worry, there won’t be a next time.
Lea Michele started out the year so well, but recently has sort of veered into dressing via Crazytown. So what a treat is to see her pulling out the stops at the Tonys:
I DO have a fondness for the yellow/orange gown — I loved it on Diane Kruger, and double-loved it, Wakefield-style, on Michelle Williams — in part because it still feels like a surprise, I think. But I also just looked down at myself and realized that I am wearing a cardigan that is literally exactly this same color, so perhaps I’m simply a fan, regardless. All that yadda yadda aside, little Rachel Berry here looks very pretty indeed. That may not be as useful to me, professionally, as her Crazytown Period, but I certainly am happy for her.
If anyone else were to wear this, I am fairly sure I would be working up a Tin Man joke, and then I would have berated myself because Heather already made that joke when Nicole Kidman wore something disturbingly similar (albeit way shinier):
But, you know, it’s Cate Blanchett. And this feels so Cate Blanchett-y to me that if I were writing a play called An Evening With Cate Blanchett, starring Cate Blanchett, in which Cate Blanchett just walked around and waved at the audience, this would have been Cate Blanchett’s costume. Because a metallic suit that makes her look both kind of awesome but also sort of like an alien is EXACTLY what I imagine Cate Blanchett wearing, like, whenever I think about her. Brushing her teeth: this suit. Reading a magazine: this suit. Hiking the Adirondacks: this suit. And because of that, I can not judge whether or not this suit is good or bad. It is just…BLANCHETT. In fact, Just Blanchett might be a better name for my play. Just Blanchett!, even. Just Blanchett!, opening this fall at the Circle in the Square. It’s better than Cats!
Other than the fact that she shares a name with a Young and the Restless character, I didn’t know that much about Phyllis Newman until I Googled her and learned she’s something of a Broadway fixture and used to be on The Match Game a lot.
None of which explains why she showed up at the Tonys looking like a cross between Diane Keaton, Sally Jessy Raphael, and a priest.
Maybe I should put this post in Match Game parlance she’d understand:
HOST: At the Tony Awards, Phyllis Newman looked really crazy.
AUDIENCE: How! Crazy! Was she!?!?!
HOST: So crazy that the paparazzi begged her to bless them with her holy [BLANK].