Fug File: Tony Awards

Tony Awards Cate Blanchett Carpet: Cate Blanchett

Jun 14, 2010 By Jessica AT 9:00 am

If anyone else were to wear this, I am fairly sure I would be working up a Tin Man joke, and then I would have berated myself because Heather already made that joke when Nicole Kidman wore something disturbingly similar (albeit way shinier):

But, you know, it’s Cate Blanchett. And this feels so Cate Blanchett-y to me that if I were writing a play called An Evening With Cate Blanchett, starring Cate Blanchett, in which Cate Blanchett just walked around and waved at the audience, this would have been Cate Blanchett’s costume. Because a metallic suit that makes her look both kind of awesome but also sort of like an alien is EXACTLY what I imagine Cate Blanchett wearing, like, whenever I think about her. Brushing her teeth: this suit. Reading a magazine: this suit. Hiking the Adirondacks: this suit.  And because of that, I can not judge whether or not this suit is good or bad. It is just…BLANCHETT. In fact, Just Blanchett might be a better name for my play. Just Blanchett!, even. Just Blanchett!, opening this fall at the Circle in the Square. It’s better than Cats!

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Tony Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Will and Jada

Jun 14, 2010 By Jessica AT 8:00 am

WILL SMITH: Damn, we’re good-looking.

JADA PINKETT-SMITH: I agree.

WILL: Why are we at the Tonys, though?

JADA: We’re presenting

WILL: Why are WE presenting at the Tonys?

JADA: Were you in a play?

WILL: I don’t think so.

JADA: I don’t remember being in one either.

WILL: Is it possible that we’re presenting to remind people that our child is in a movie that opened this weekend?

JADA: Anything is possible, Will.

WILL: Whatever. I look sharp.

JADA: You usually do.

WILL: It’s true.

JADA: AHEM.

WILL: What?

JADA: WHAT ABOUT ME?

WILL: I haven’t decided yet. Let me get a better look:

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Tony Awards Fug Carpet: Phyllis Newman

Jun 9, 2009 By Heather AT 12:15 pm

Other than the fact that she shares a name with a Young and the Restless character, I didn’t know that much about Phyllis Newman until I Googled her and learned she’s something of a Broadway fixture and used to be on The Match Game a lot.

None of which explains why she showed up at the Tonys looking like a cross between Diane Keaton, Sally Jessy Raphael, and a priest.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Maybe I should put this post in Match Game parlance she’d understand:

HOST: At the Tony Awards, Phyllis Newman looked really crazy.

AUDIENCE: How! Crazy! Was she!?!?!

HOST: So crazy that the paparazzi begged her to bless them with her holy [BLANK].

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Tony Awards Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Piper Perabo

Jun 9, 2009 By Heather AT 11:19 am

Readers, why can’t I get on board with this?

[Photo: WENN.com]

Somehow, between the fabric texture and the cut at the bottom, I can’t shake the feeling that the hem of her gown looks like insect wings parting. Or as though she’s being slowly devoured by a dolphin that currently is savoring her ankles. Or as if something is giving birth to her feet. It’s just… I’m DISTRACTED by it. I don’t like to think about epidurals in the morning. Or ever, really.

This angle doesn’t help:

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Well Played, Allison Janney

Jun 9, 2009 By Heather AT 10:23 am

Well, DAMN.

There is a dude back there on the right who is looking straight at the camera and, presumably, thinking, “You’re seeing this, too, right? This goddess in purple? Tall, legs for days, radiant, shoulders I’d like to gnaw on like a chicken drumstick? I would TOTALLY TAP THAT. And so would you. And you KNOW IT.” And he’s probably right.

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Tony Awards Fug Carpet: Lauren Graham

Jun 9, 2009 By Heather AT 9:21 am

Lauren. I wanted to like this. I did. You are so pretty.

[Photo: WENN.com]

I even think the green works with your coloring. But honey, that slice of Key Lime Pie has gone rancid in your fridge: If you are NOT wearing a strapless bra that’s inching its nasty way down your torso so that the underwire can make sweet love to your rib cage, well, then something is doing a great imitation of that lady-tragedy. Not to mention that whatever rigging system you did come up with has failed your right boob more than your left. I am pleased there was an attempt at SOMETHING, but this is exactly the type of catastrophe many of us try to work out during a dry run. Or, aptly and in your theater parlance, a dress rehearsal. This is why I never cut the tags off anything until I am absolutely about to wear it out of the house.

Plus, can we talk about the bow? It looks like the bedraggled-but-optimistic Itsy Bitsy Spider climbing up the water spout after several torrential downpours had knocked it to the floor. And look what it’s doing to your silhouette:
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