The Fugary of Alicia Keys

I totally understand the temptation, when you find something you love and which flatters you, to buy it in a couple different colors. But what I can’t figure out is why this little number ranks as one of those repeat buys for Alicia Keys. You may remember the crotch-hugging miseries of this jumpsuit from when she wore it in blue:

I think it’s even worse in this hue, because now it looks like sweatpants she sewed to the top half of an evening gown. And, of course, there’s the issue of the bulky bushel-and-a-peck it gives her. It’s a cross between camel-toe and polterwang (camelwang? No — poltertoe, I think) and it’s incredibly distracting. I barely notice how beautifully and cleanly she’s been doing her makeup lately, because I keep wincing at the rest.

If this is what we have to look forward to as she pimps her new album, then I’m DEFINITELY out. I can’t handle an Alicia Keys and the Amazing Technicolor Poltertoe tour.