The Fug’s Apprentice

You guys, we’ve got to talk about Nic Cage’s hair:

EXCEPT I HAVE NO WORDS.

Oh, wait, except I totally do: dude, you have THE WORST HAIR IN HOLLYWOOD and I CAN NOT understand it. Unless you’re playing the role of The Dude With the Worst Hair In Hollywood (IN EVERY MOVIE YOU’VE MADE IN THE LAST TEN YEARS) there is NO EXCUSE FOR THIS. NONE. LOOK AT YOU. IT’S STRAW COMING OUT OF A FLOOR MAT UP THERE. Mickey Rouke has better hair right now. IT’S THE WORST. And, listen, sweetie, there’s NO REASON FOR THIS. There’s just NOT. Either call Ted Danson and find out who makes his toupe — because that piece is good — or tell the producers of the world that, henceforth, if they’d like you a play a man with lustrous hair, they can shell out for a wig because you have joined the world of the Hot Baldies. 

Think about it, who looks better? YOU, with THIS, or these dudes:

For the love of national treasures, Nic, PLEASE SHAVE YOUR HEAD.