I’m starting to think the Knowles family needs to retreat to Sedona for some meditation, family therapy, and an afternoon of communicating only in “I” statements. For example, Solange could say, “I am desperately attempting to self-actualize by wearing things that make it impossible for you to overlook me in a crowd.”
[Photo: Splash News]
A lot of people ask us why celebrities stand like this on the red carpet, because it does look a little bit like she chugged a Double Gulp in the limo and desperately needs to find a portable toilet. From what we’ve heard, they’re told this body position streamlines the figure because it takes the attention off the leg on which you’re putting all your weight. It’s supposed to be slimming for your body even if it implies your bladder is fat. But the problem is, NOTHING streamlines your body when you’re wearing a giant funeral wreath that’s raining hoo-ha. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again, Solange: You will not rain on Beyonce’s fame parade by disguising youself as an actual storm cloud.
For her part, Beyonce’s important therapeutic admission would be something like, “I can’t stop agreeing to share the spotlight with living-legend singers and then trying to one-up them by proving I’m totally the better, newer, awesomer version that has rendered them obsolete.” First she tried that with Tina Turner, and now Etta James is her unwitting victim:
I know she’s currently shooting an Etta James biopic, but seriously, Etta James isn’t dead. In fact, that’s Etta James right there that Beyonce is touching so condescendingly, while performing Etta James’ classic “At Last” while IN COSTUME as Etta James. That is kind of gross to me. It says, “Sweet legend, prepare to bow down to the splendor of my cleavage. I am you, but better than you ever could have been, so hang it up and go home to your silly jazz festivals while I act the shit out of this wig. Also, my hand cream rules.”
And the worst part? She totally kept that thing going all night. :
I’m sure whatever Miss B had to do to her hair to get it up in that thing wasn’t conducive to ripping off the wig and going au naturel, but why not replace it with a wig that’s closer to your natural hair? Did she HAVE to keep rubbing this thing in Real-Life Etta’s face? I’m sure Etta was like, “Bitch, please. Cancer sucks, but I’ve had rashes bigger than you. AND I’M STILL ALIVE. Let ME show YOU how it’s done.”
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I’m starting to think the Knowles family needs to retreat to Sedona for some meditation, family therapy, and an afternoon of communicating only in “I” statements. For example, Solange could say, “I am desperately attempting to self-actualize by wearing things that make it impossible for you to overlook me in a crowd.”
[Photo: Splash News]
A lot of people ask us why celebrities stand like this on the red carpet, because it does look a little bit like she chugged a Double Gulp in the limo and desperately needs to find a portable toilet. From what we’ve heard, they’re told this body position streamlines the figure because it takes the attention off the leg on which you’re putting all your weight. It’s supposed to be slimming for your body even if it implies your bladder is fat. But the problem is, NOTHING streamlines your body when you’re wearing a giant funeral wreath that’s raining hoo-ha. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again, Solange: You will not rain on Beyonce’s fame parade by disguising youself as an actual storm cloud.
For her part, Beyonce’s important therapeutic admission would be something like, “I can’t stop agreeing to share the spotlight with living-legend singers and then trying to one-up them by proving I’m totally the better, newer, awesomer version that has rendered them obsolete.” First she tried that with Tina Turner, and now Etta James is her unwitting victim:
I know she’s currently shooting an Etta James biopic, but seriously, Etta James isn’t dead. In fact, that’s Etta James right there that Beyonce is touching so condescendingly, while performing Etta James’ classic “At Last” while IN COSTUME as Etta James. That is kind of gross to me. It says, “Sweet legend, prepare to bow down to the splendor of my cleavage. I am you, but better than you ever could have been, so hang it up and go home to your silly jazz festivals while I act the shit out of this wig. Also, my hand cream rules.”
And the worst part? She totally kept that thing going all night. :
I’m sure whatever Miss B had to do to her hair to get it up in that thing wasn’t conducive to ripping off the wig and going au naturel, but why not replace it with a wig that’s closer to your natural hair? Did she HAVE to keep rubbing this thing in Real-Life Etta’s face? I’m sure Etta was like, “Bitch, please. Cancer sucks, but I’ve had rashes bigger than you. AND I’M STILL ALIVE. Let ME show YOU how it’s done.”
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