VMAs: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton, in her continuing attempt to become a singer, shows up at the VMAs in an homage to Bjork’s infamous Trumpet of the Swan:

I especially enjoy the expression on the man sitting behind her. It’s as though he started applauding for her, and then, actually catching a glimpse of her, has stopped mid-clap to think, “Sweet cracker sandwiches, what is she wearing?”

Good question, Perplexed Clapping Man. What IS she wearing? Let’s take a closer look:

1. Bangs sculpted into a careful homage to Conan O’Brien
2. Wee little bows tried around her wrists like the world’s twee-est handcuffs
3. De riguer giant belt
4. A skirt composed of equal parts duck feathers and the rejected scraps from Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” costume. When Madonna and Bjork discover this fact, they will put on matching purple leotards and cartwheel over to Paris’s house, where they will beat her severely with a sock full of quarters.
5. Black ankle boots, of course. Because what else do you wear with your fluffy white party dress? She’s so ROCK AND ROLL! But what else would you expect from a songstress whose album includes the hardcore lines, “Girls and boys are looking at me/I can’t blame them cause I’m sexy,” or “I’m hot to death and I’m so, so, so sex-ee.” I mean, the girls has CHOPS, am I right?

Is it wrong that I sort of just indulged in a fantasy wherein she walked right off the end of the stage, cracked her head, gave herself amnesia, forgot that she was supposed to be busy destroying the very fabric of our nation, and disappeared forever? That’s what we’re all hoping for, really, right?