Well Played, Mariah Carey; Not So Much, Patti LaBelle

Maybe my heart is just soft because the drama of a sudden wedding is supremely soapy, or because Mimi has turned both her bodyguard and her new husband into frantic wranglers of gargantuan umbrellas. But I think she looks fantastic here.

[Photo: Splash News]

How cute is that? I don’t CARE if the wedding may have been a giant publicity stunt to help her single, or to remind the world that her video co-star Nick Cannon still exists (I had, as a matter of fact, happily forgotten). She seems happy, and I like my Mariah smiling and divalicious, not tragic and sad and fatigued and speaking in tongues. So I choose to believe it’s real, and that in ten years the Carey-Cannons will be cuddling adorable babies and skipping down Rodeo Drive shopping for shoes — and possibly purchasing and coaching a youth soccer team they can call the Carey Cannons,  because it sort of works — instead of subjecting the reality-TV audience to copious icky conversations about the functionality of her bowels (Whitney and Bobby, I will never, ever forgive you).

Also, I want that coat-dress. It’s WAY better than the one her fellow big-voiced diva Patti LaBelle recently whipped out on-stage:

If someone dared me to turn I Know What You Did Last Summer into a cocktail dress, this is what I would sketch. She could fit at least three meathooks under there — perfect for when you need to embed one or two of the others into people’s chest cavities.