Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

“Hola, America! But no. Today is not for exclamation points. Today is for grieving. HOTLY. ‘But Jennifer,’ you say, ‘isn’t it rude to look muy caliente when you are celebrating the life and mourning the death of someone you did not know very well who is extremely famous?’ Look, precious boring friends, being sad is no reason not to wear eyeliner. And it is a compliment — no, an HONOR — to Los Muertos to be fantastic in their memory. And so I will be a thriller. It is in my human nature to be a pretty young thing, bitches, and the man in the mirror agrees that this dangerous outfit can heal the world. And if you think that makes me a smooth criminal, and you want to be starting something, well, let me just say that you are BAD and you know it and you must let me say farewell, my summer love, in PEACE. VERY ATTRACTIVELY. And if you have a PROBLEM WITH THAT then you can BEAT IT, BILLIE JEAN.  Because listen: Mr. Jackson was a PSYCHIC. Check it: He wrote a song about a RAT named BEN in the SAME YEAR
THAT BEN RATFLECK WAS BORN. How did Michael KNOW? I will always regret that I did not hear his warning! Although, uno momento, amigos… why did he not come FIND ME and tell me to my FACE? I am Jennifer Lopez! I’m just over on The Block! I am so simple to find! HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. IF I WERE NOT SO DEVASTATED AND MOVED BY HIS TALENT I WOULD BE MUY FURIOSA RIGHT NOW. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. It is a good thing this eye-makeup works as Angry Jennifer AND Grieving Jennifer. Ha! I am multi-purpose! Drink it in, America! Adios! I must be windswept and solemn now.”