Well Played, Your Whole Life: Bea Arthur

By now, everyone’s probably heard the news that this weekend, our beloved Bea Arthur — Lady of the Lanai, Countess of Caftans — passed away from cancer at age 86, sparking an endless parade of “and then there was NOT Maude” status updates on Facebook.

This is how we felt when we heard the news:

I mean, we LIVE on Golden Girls references. We devour memories of the ensembles from that sparkling age.

Yes, Blanche looks batty. But LOOK AT DOROTHY’S TUXEDO THING. I don’t know if it’s weirdly reflective crushed velvet, or what, but the light catches it as if it’s cow-patterned on the skirt. It’s AMAZING. And the scowl! Want to see what our souls look like whenever we see something on a celebrity that looks awful? Behold:

That
is a thing of beauty. A force of nature. A portrait of pique so perfect
that sometimes I just want to post it underneath a photo and not bother
writing anything. And, if you’ll let me peel back one of our dork
layers for a second, whenever one of us runs up against writer’s block
while working on a New York magazine column, the person in question gives up and types, “And then
there’s Maude,” and turns the column over to the other for an infusion
of ideas. Seriously.

I don’t even know what tribute video to put up for her. There’s the Sonny and Cher parody we posted when Estelle Getty passed, or this brief montage of “Whoa” that proves Joey Lawrence knows NOTHING when it comes to feigning shock, Bea performing “Henny Penny” with the other three girls (La Arthur enters sometime around the 2:30 mark and barks “MA!” in that familiar way of which I cannot get enough), or a Sex and the City parody she did in 2007 with a few other national treasures (Sally Struthers, Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life, and Mona from Who’s The Boss?), which is worth it just to see who plays Mr. Big when he enters at around 4:20.

In
the end, for the sheer weirdness of it, I think I’ll go with this
reader-submitted clip of Bea singing a perky song with Rock Hudson
about doing recreational drugs. No, really. They even RHYME the names
of different ones.

Oh,
Bea. The world is darker without you, but we hope you’re eating a huge
cheesecake in Heaven with Estelle Getty and making sure that Betty
White and Rue McClanahan stay Earthbound for as long as possible. HANG
IN THERE, LADIES. Two gone within 12 months is a lot to handle; we
can’t lose Rose or Blanche too.

RIP, Bea. But you will live on here. In other words, “And then there will ALWAYS be Maude.”