I swear to God, we used to have a tag called, “PUT IT AWAY,” and I really wanted to use it for this:
Yeah, you’re not understudying for the Reese Witherspoon part in a regional theatre adaptation of Water for Elephants. But surely there’s a picture of you where we’re not standing like this, showing off your BeDazzled underpants, right? RIGHT, LAURA BELL BUNDY?
So, remember the Dark Ages when Paris Hilton was popular and got invited places and people cared? She once went to an event — a real one, with a red carpet — in a dress somewhat similar to this, although it was Barbie pink. And she kept posing thusly, and in posing thusly revealed to us her underpants. And, to be as delicate as possible, she had a major front-wedgie, so we saw much of her lady parts. This really happened. I saw the photos on Getty, which is not in the business of Photoshopping pictures to add in people’s labia. It was both horrifying and completely ahead of the curve, given that we had not yet entered That Weird Summer People Kept Flashing Us Their Crotch. (MAN, that summer was awesome. Paris went to jail! Nicole drove the wrong way DOWN THE FREEWAY! BRITNEY JUSTIN DANCE-OFF. Truly a Golden Age for Trashiness.) Of course, knowing what we know now about Paris, I am sure it was all totally intentional, but at the time, All Were Dismayed For Her, because the idea of showing everyone Your Parts “Accidentally” was simply not in our mental repertoire. (A MORE INNOCENT TIME.) And that — THAT VERY PHOTO, which I long to unsee, let me tell you — is what I keep thinking about every time I look at these photos. And let me just tell you one thing, Fug Nation: you don’t ever, EVER want to choose a gown for a formal event that reminds people of Paris Hilton’s vagina. YOU JUST DON’T.