Author Archives: Heather

Billboard Music Awards Whatever Carpet: LMFAO

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 3:00 pm
16

So, look… LMFAO is just messing with us, right?

Because they SEEM like a social experiment. Like they woke up one day and were like, “Yeah, okay, we have a Motown family heritage, but let’s see how much cash we can make if we dress like assclowns who run a souvenir shop in Hollywood located on some kind of a sonic Hellmouth and then shout about being drunk and partying,” and it worked, and so then they stepped it up by gyrating with a bunch of inflatable zoo animals and then wearing a fearsome crotch maw while thrusting alongside a pink teddy, and people still went nuts for it, so they go home every night and wipe their tears of mirth with Benjamins and plot what will happen in Act III. Part of me is curious; the rest of me is afraid it will involve adult diapers and rigging their armpits to dispense beer.

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Bieberly Biebered: Bieber

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 2:00 pm
31

“What up, foxes. It’s me. The Leaning Tower of Bieber. Want to scale me? Like my body is your Amazing Race and Phil is hiding in my hair and the first one to the mat gets a jet ski and a lawn gnome, or some shit? Oops, sorry, Mom. She asked me not to swear. She also asked me to stop tucking my big-boy pants into my kicks, but I’m all, ‘MOOOOM, only OLD PEOPLE wear pants that go all the way down,’ and she was all, ‘YOUR pants will go all the way down if you don’t tie them to your underwear,’ and I was all, ‘Peace out, Mommy, that’s why I have a pocket chain, it hooks to my tighties,’ and she was all, ‘You smell like Drakkar Noir,’ and I was like, ‘MOM I’M A RAPPER NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOONE,’ and so she texted Selena and told her to stay home. So I’m PROWLIN’, HONEY BABIES. You feel me? Come feel me. I got room for two in this hoodie.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug Carpet: Kerli

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 1:00 pm
32

The Estonian pop singer Kerli has created a label for herself called BubbleGoth, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

To that I say: Nice try. You can call it what you want, child, but we already have a Robyn, and a Minaj, and a Jessie J, and a Ke$ha, and a Li’l Mama, and a Katy Perry, and a Gaga. We don’t need to put them in a blender and garnish with Gund. The orchestra is tired of playing this old song and desperately wants a whiskey break.

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug or Fab: Taylor Swift

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 12:00 pm
27

Well, the makeover seems to be taking: If this were last year, she’d likely have been in something gold and sparkly, with a gentle milkmaid updo.

The drama of this is deeply appreciated, then, but one question remains: Is the bodice cool, or does it photograph too… veiny? I’m having flashbacks to dissecting a heart in science class, and it’s kind of making me want to take cholesterol meds. Just in case.

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[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug Carpet: Natasha Bedingfield

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 11:00 am
27

If this were, say, 2005, I’d have been all, “Girl, the rest of your DRESS is still unwritten.”

But it’s not, so instead I’ll just wonder why she decided “paying a quick tribute to the late great Donna Summer” should translate into “paying an overwrought tribute to the lime buildup on the inside of my stall shower.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug or Fab: Carrie Underwood

May 21, 2012 By Heather AT 10:00 am
68

This photo reminds me of that time Steve Sanders grudgingly took Donna Martin to a dance, and she wore a giant red dress with a hoop skirt and needed constant wrangling all night because she couldn’t sit or stand without help:

Mike Fisher is doing a better job than Steve did of figuring out how to stand near it. And I suppose the overskirt is all artfully crinkled and smashed, so there’s nothing he can do to it that doesn’t look like it’s already been done. There’s something very pretty about it, and also something ” very pretty Monet depiction of a head wound” about it. Check her out solo and see what you think:

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